had better watch his choice of words.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
And
I do enjoy Pandina1981's pics :-).
Lord do I ever lol.
But I want the real thing sweetheart.
All day everyday Dollbaby.
Just
tee totaly fucking sick of all the drama in my life and none of it ever has anything to do with me.
Oh you're a parent, you don't get to have a life of your own.
Fuck that.
He dug his hole the day getting the appliances out of the basement.
Acted like it was beneath him to work for a few hours for me for $70.
He hasn't dug himself back to my good graces.
He may never.
That is literally where I am with him.
If people don't like that or find that objectionable?
I couldn't care less.
Kids don't come with an owners manual.
There is no perfect parent.
We do the best we can.
Clothes?
Check.
Food?
Check
Warm place to sleep?
Check.
Loved?
Check.
Then whats the fucking problem?
He should be grateful for all the time we have had and all the things he has had to this point.
Not depressed about the things he wants but doesn't have.
Yes, you can say the same about me.
I get that.
But I don't want shit.
Except somebody to be my wife :-).
He wants everything and thinks he should have it all right now.
What a day Lucy.
Love you.
I asked mom
"Why now?"
"What happened?"
"He was fine and dandy for so long, glad to not have to see his mom etc, what caused all this?"
"I don't know." she said.
Bet I do Lucy.
I'm sorry, but the rest of my life?
Yeah...
That trumps two years of his.
Period.
He doesn't get to make decisions for me about my life.
Ever.
Period.
End of story.
I won't be made to feel guilty about it neither.
Not from mom, Al, him, nobody, ever.
I got a right to be happy.
He is acting like a spoiled brat.
All the attention isn't on him now.
It's on others.
He thinks he is a man?
Then he should learn to act like one.
He says this shit to hold others hostage emotionally.
To have attention focused on him.
I've lived with him his whole life.
I know him like the back of my hand.
He is acting out cause he knows whats going to happen.
The closer it gets the worse it gets.
Its obvious.
I won't have anyone and I do mean anyone bring negativity drama chaos and bullshit in our lives.
I don't give a fuck if they are a 15 year old family member or a lifelong friend.
I JUST WON"T FUCKING HAVE IT.
Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
Period.
So you might wanna tell him to pull his shit together best he can.
Or off to military or boarding school he goes.
15 years of this shit has been about enough.
If I am seeming harsh?
Nobody ever walk in my shoes but me.
I would have liked to have seen someone do better.
I do not believe that he is suicidal.
I do not believe that he is depressed.
I think he is scared.
About what?
A great life?
He should be thankful to be a part of it while he can.
Funny to me a few things:
1) Everything was fine till it was almost at the end of his visit with Janet.
(His nonsense started before mom and Al showed up.)
2) No mention from anyone, mom or Al about getting back involved with church.
Now why would that be Lucy?
Not gonna
be a lot to say tonight Lucy.
Whole family upset.
Janet was in tears like a lil baby.
She is not gonna come for Christmas.
Talked to mom.
Going to make him an appointment with the councilor he was seeing.
I flat out told him he is expected to do the work.
He was told last time to stay busy.
Start projects.
See them through.
Do housework.
Do anything to keep your mind occupied.
Start a journal.
He never did any of it.
He was told if he doesn't do the work?
The visits stop.
Not gonna try and help someone who doesn't wanna help themselves.
His mom was exactly like this.
Start a shitstorm over nothing and get everone all up in arms and by the time everyone was good and upset she would be back to being fine as wine.
He literally pushes me to the point where I just don't care.
I'm sorry but it is true.
Not bringing him back up here.
Problem solved.
If this is all that happens?
No need for it.
Simple.
Easy.
I'm gonna tell janet to sell the car.
He can earn his own money and get himself a vehicle.
Never hurt anybody else I ever knew that had to do it.
Welcome to life buddy.
Gotta
get here in a bit.
I'm glad Erin flipped out :-).
I was kinnda hoping something like that would happen.
Sorry lol.
Told me everything.
Love you.
I
have you Christmas gift\wedding present.
Been savin it for a while.
Oppps.
Sorry.
Forgot you don't like games.
Bahahahahahahaha.
At
least I know for sure who Erin is and how she really feels.
Did you ever think about that?
Cause I honestly, before yesterday, wasn't really sure.
Night Lucy.
Go to sleep.
I feel much better.
Slept 10 and a half hours.
Taking alka seltzer cold and flu.
If I get better with it?
This will be the first time I got better just using over the counter medicine in so long that I literaly can't remember.
Fever broke bigger than shit this afternoon after taking two asprin.
I was like "Damn, is my body actually working the way it's supposed to?"
We'll see.
Another day of rest tommorrow and then I think I am going to go back to Janets and sleep Monday AM instead of trying to rush home, cook breakfast, take him to school etc...
Just seems like threee straight days of rest would do me real good right now.
I wanna look and feel better than I have ever looked or felt when that day comes sweetheart.
Makes it hard not knowing when but thats my goal.
Love you Virgie.
"Every second of everyday..."
Yes, even when I made the blog private and not public.
Yeah
it is.
Have I ever mentioned I am tired of screen shots?
Don't take that wrong.
I like 'em :-).
Just ready to be living them in real life Lucy.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Glad
you have taste, class, dignity, grace, etc...
But then again, of course you do, or I wouldn't have been interested.
Enjoy lol.
"Don't
play games, hate that shit blah blah blah..."
Says the woman who has been playing games since her jaw dropped and she came back for a second look lol.
God I love you so.
Was
somebody flippin out a lil bit this AM?
Jonesin for some attention were they?
Lil bit more than just wanting some attention at this point wasn't it?
Funny how there is no doubt now about who Erin really is now :-).
I really just don't know what is going on sweetheart I really just don't.
I would like to think that I know, but till I see you in that dress?
I just don't know and I don't take anything for granted.
Next time I see those ass cheeks they better be plastered all over my face or layin cross my lap ready to be spanked.
Seriously.
On
the other hand, waking up to pics of pandina1981 was nice, very nice.
But if it's not in person?
Then what does it matter?
Love you Bambi.
BTW, you got that exercise ball and leggings yet?
Friday, November 28, 2014
Just can't
do it Lucy.
All I can think about is how much my head hurts and how much I wish I was in my own bed.
Love you.
Night.
Well...
you may not want to hug me right now with all this crud I got lol.
I plan on muddling through this weekend, going to the local immediate care in Lewisport and trying to convince them to give me 30-40 antibiotics. I used to get them no problem, now days for what ever reason I can't seem to get so many. It's not like I want to take any more than I need and I would rather really not take any at all, but given my condition it's best to have some laying around so that when I get like this I have them readily available. By the time I can get to the DR, get the script, and get to the pharmacy? I've already suffered enough.These days? Just seems like they wanna make you come see them before they write the script so they can bill the insurance company. Seems like to me anyway.
RUMI
Those who don’t feel Love pulling them like a river,
Who don’t drink dawn like a cup of spring water, or
Take in sunset like supper,
Let them sleep. They will never change.
You who know differently, arise!
There is music everywhere and dances to dance.
So we gonna?
Dance that is?
Seems like forever since I've seen that dress.
Hey...
I was in bed for close to 16 hours lol.
Feel better.
How could I not?
Stuffy head is just about all cleared up.
Soar throat about gone.
Got a sinus headache from the pits of hell but we got good sinus medicine at work.
Get to work with Dove.
Chad is in Fla.
I'm gonna let Dove write all the Sprint and DSR tickets this weekend.
I figure I write enough of them.
His turn.
He is gonna have to before too much longer anyway, he might as well get used to it.
He is not a bad guy.
Just not up to speed after 2+ years.
Never should have been a backfill.
Needed time in a seat to get used to workflow.
Opportunity was just never provided him.
Well?
Heres his chance.
I'll bale him out iof he gets covered up but for the most part?
I'm gonna enjoy a relaxing weekend.
I hope.
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
Looking forward to starting our life together sweetheart.
Love you.
Peace.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Love you
Still a lil under the weather.
You could lift a brothers spirits in KIK or Skype you know?
Lust sayin.
Feel better
Not getting hardly any sleep Monday night really put a hurting on me.
Leaving here at 9, be in Louisville by 12 EST.
Chad rode bike to Fla yesterday :-).
Can't wait to here that story lol.
Work all weekend with Dove lol.
Oh boy.
Good times.
When?
Killin me Lucy.
Just killin me.
We should be together already Dollbaby.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Love you.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Words
for my wordsmith...
"...Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed..."
Morning
Lucy.
Love you sweetheart.
Feeling a lil under the weather today.
Had as fever, took some aspirin, fever broke, getting better.
Head cold I think.
Throat, eyes, nose all gunked up.
Thats romantic isn't it?
Gunked up?
lol.
ttys.
I
walked into Bills to get a box of cereal for Nich and out of nowhere, after seeing all the blue collar guys all huddled up front by the cashier and I aint so much as thought of this song in forever...
Nicholas been listening to it but anyway, I walk in the front door and as if right on queue...
"What the hell am I doing here?..."
I'm starting to wonder too Lucy.
Need my wife Lucy.
Lets
have a love like them.
Lets do that Lucy.
Picture was taken in their home in Hendersonville TN.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Yep...
I understand I am on an extremist fringe with my thoughts about civil liberties, freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of assembly etc.
Always have been.
It's not going to change lol.
We were talking Tuesday AM about Ferguson, police militarization etc.
It was a pretty lively discussion lol.
I like sticking around for a lil bit sometimes, talk to some of the guys I don't see anywhere but here.
Gives Janet some extra sleep, I mean I'm just gonna go there and go to bed anyway right?
Now when I am leaving for home?
Thats a different story lol.
Anyway, it dawns on me this Am that I have held these beliefs as long as some of these guys are old.
It just kinda blows your mind sometimes Lucy when things dawn on you like that.
Love you.
I
got the lovin part down :-).
Struggle with that calm part from time to time lol.
I just wanna be able to look in your eyes and know...whatever we face?
We will be okay together.
I wanna be able to do the same for you.
Just see that look in your eye like something isn't right and just be right there for you.
Looking in your eyes, holding you tight, brushing the hair back from your face and telling you what we both already know.
'We will be okay together."
All of us.
I'm
just gonna think pleasant thoughts...
about a beautiful woman...
so in love with her husband...
sundress...
springtime...
warm sun...
wide open fields of flowers and grass and bushes...
flowers in her hair...
Sugar magnolia playin...
Nature takin it's course :-).
Thats what I'm gonna be thinkin bout Lucy?
What about you sweetheart?
Posted
Leviticus 19:33–34 on a social media site the other day.
Said something to the fact that you wouldn't be hearing about that in your Sunday sermon this AM.
A lady from church (whom I respect or she wouldn't still be my "online friend") comments and says:
"No, you're right, we didn't hear that sermon today, but we missed you."
I haven't been there since September.
Anybody called?
Nope.
Anybody come by and ask whats up?
Nope.
Anybody email me?
Nope.
Did anybody do any of the above mentioned things when Nicholas decided to quit going?
Nope.
Says everything if you ask me.
Just all the sudden one day a comment on a social media post I am sure that didn't set well with some people and now all the sudden I am missed?
I'm sorry, well...no...I am not really...it's just...well...that just rings hollow as hell to me.
Where you been the last few months?
If you really missed someone seems like you would have said something sooner and done it in a manner other than social media.
They just keep digging their hole a lil deeper.
I need a new church home Lucy.
There's not one around here for me I already know that.
Missing that spiritual nourishment.
Al works with the sound.
I think I am going to start asking him for a copy of the sermon on CD.
At least that way I could here the message.
I'll be honest, it's about the only part I miss.
That and seeing mom and Al.
Love you.
It's
all I want to know:
"...that when she gives me her whole heart I know I got it and I won't ever have to worry about it ever again, ever, period."
This
Ferguson shit makes me sick to my stomach.
If I was walking down the street with no traffic on it and I was a block and a half away from home and a policeman (use that term loosely here) drives by slowly and tells me "Hey, M^&%$# F(*^&%, get out of the road...? At 18 years of age? I already know what my reaction would have been.
They murdered that boy in the street like a farm animal and then just left him there. Just left a dead boy lay in the street. It could have been Nicholas. It might be Nicholas someday. No other way to handle some jay walking youths? Gotta just start being confrontational from the start? Can't just drive by and let them be? No other options to pursue here?
I don't agree with the violence tonight. But a white prosecutor? Whose policeman dad was shot and killed by a black man? Lets Mr. Wilson testify to the grand jury? Prosecutor allows "All evidence" to be presented? At a grand jury? Highly unusual steps to say the least.
That lil two room shack in New Zealand with an outhouse a wood stove and a cot on a hill overlooking a beach is sounding better all the time.
Love you Lucy.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Boy...
that got some threes quick.
Was that because you like what they said?
Or because I still had that letter?
Or both.
I
can't even look at a calendar.
It makes my head spin and makes me wanna throw up lol.
Must be nice to know whats going on lol.
Or?
"...I want a woman that has touched my soul so much that I will freely go above and beyond anything I could have ever dreampt of doing in order to show her how much she means to me and enjoy the journey doing so. I want that woman who is so beautiful most men wouldn’t even have the courage of walking up to her and starting a conversation. The greatest thing? She doesn’t have the slightest clue this is how the majority of men perceive her. I want that woman I feel like I was put on this earth to be a good husband for, someone that I know we are going to have a life and a love like few others will ever be fortunate enough to experience. Will it be easy? Of course not, nothing worth it ever is. But this is my dream; this is what I will work hard every day the rest of my life for because I want YOU, all day, every day, the rest of days...peace..."
Or?
"...I want that woman, that even though I may have only spent a little bit of time with her I could just tell she was the real thing and I knew, I'll never be able to explain it to anyone, I just knew there was no way I would ever let her get away from me..."
Ever.
Remember?
"...I want a woman that when she gives me her whole heart I know I got it and I won't ever have to worry about it ever again, ever, period. She can test me all she wants, that’s fine, I expect that, she's a woman, but that heart of hers is all mine and I know she will never desire another..."
So...
before Christmas?
Or New Years eve?
Whens it going to be Lucy?
West Baden Springs or Nashville?
Where?
You killin me girl.
Just killin me lol.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Neville Goddard
Until we awaken and make this discovery, we are privileged to use a Law, given by God, to "cushion the blows of life.” The Law, stated succinctly is this, In Neville's words: "Imagining creates reality,"
Friday, November 21, 2014
Rumi
At the end of my life, with just one breath left,
if you come, I’ll sit up and sing.
It's a lil different when you know somebody means it, isn't it?
Love you.
I know
you like him.
I think he is a great guy.
I would just rather have a different QB during a big game thats all lol.
Anyway, what he says here is the absolute truth.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Rumi
For without you, I swear, the town
Has become like a prison to me.
Distraction and the mountain
And the desert, all I desire.
What
did you do?
Fall asleep with your nose on the F5 button?
555 views of "Pull your hair' lol?
I've been telling ya.
Give a boy a chance lol.
Movin
up in the world.
Two's.
Nice.
Thought the pic of me and dad might get more than a three?
Time will tell.
Ones
whatever...
Ornery Ass.
I like your style GF.
Always have.
Since day one.
Always told you so.
Will always tell you so.
Just wanna...
you know...
see it a lil more up close and personal, like you know...
Forever.
Rumi
I once had a thousand desires.
But in my one desire to know you all else melted away.
Pretty much.
Everyday
since you left.
The pain has been supernatural.
"This is no ordinary love...
no ordinary love..."
I'm
thinkin no vest.
Definitely no cowboy hat.
Big mustache.
Boots.
Thats wat Im thinking Lucy.
Wat you thinkin?
Bet I know :-).
Ya know,
most of the time they say it's men that don't listen lol.
I told you and told you and told you for months that I had had enough lol.
Oh lord child.
What would I ever do without you to drive me crazy?
We're gonna have so much fun Bambi.
I just wanna see you in that dress.
Sayin "I do".
Just don't run down the aisle when you see me and jump in my arms or anything lol.
You would probably knock me over.
No need to start things off with a bad back lol.
You want me in a tux?
How bout a tux with a bolo tie and biker boots?
Hows that sound to you Lucy?
Facial hair?
Soul patch?
Mustache?
Goatee?
Help a brother out would ya?
Alan.
Let Alan convey your messages to me.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
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