Love you.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Rumi
I Desire you more than food or drink.
My body, my senses, my Mind,
Hunger for your taste.
I can sense your presence in my Heart.
Although you belong to all the world,
I wait in Silent Passion,
For one gesture, one glance from You.
Done
in best Lumbergh voice I can muster:
"Yeah...if we could get past the glorified rags to riches part that my son for some reason feels like he is in competition with and just move right on to the nuptials?
Yeah...
That would be great :-)."
The food pantry stuff was a lil overkill didn't you think?
Church
So.
I quit going to the church I attended for many years for reasons you well know.
I went to two different churches a total of three times and then I kinda gave up looking.
Then I was out riding one day and saw new Chapel UMC.
I thought: "You've always wondered about this place, what it's story is, who preaches there, what it looks like on the inside etc. Maybe you should go sometime. Then I went on and didn't give it much thought. A lil while later when people were getting on to me about getting back to going to church I thought: "ride over there and check it out one more time".
So I did.
I just sat there and looked at the sign and smiled.
I already knew this was where I needed to be.
I told a close friend of mine I was glad to have found a new church.
"Man you haven't even been there yet, you don't know..."
When he saw the look in my eyes he just shut up.
He knows my story.
It was like he had one of those, "Oh yeah, he works in you that way" sort of thoughts.
I guess, I mean I don't know, I just do what feels right.
The first Sunday I went a lay person gave the sermon as brother Joe was in Korea visiting family.
Think about that for a second now, a Korean minister for a small, rural, country UMC church :-).
Anyway, the next Sunday Brother Joe was there and started his series:
"Set your hearts on things above."
This past week's sermon was part six.
He's been preaching about how to use wealth to please God the last couple of sermons.
Tithing.
Giving to the poor.
And yesterday's message was all about sharing with others.
Go figure that right :-)?
"Why share?" he asked.
1) God wants us to be channels of blessings.
2) It's all gods anyway we are just the stewards.
He went on to say a wise steward is a channel of blessings.
A while back several people were asking if I was to come into some unbelievable blessings what would I want to do?
And I said I would want to share it with others.
Even went so far as to tell Nicholas "It may all be given away."
It just makes me happy to see others happy.
Makes me happier than them actually.
Always been that way.
Just the way it is.
So I started thinking.
A while back when people were asking me these things, it seems some people don't like to receive things from others.
It makes them feel uncomfortable.
They feel like they owe you something back now cause you did something for them so they feel obligated to do something for you.
This is absolutely not the case and it seems to me like this is the way they would be if the situation was reversed and if they did something for you, they would want something back, so they figure you would be the same and only give with some sort of expectation attached.
I mean who gives just to see others happy and not expect anything back these days right?
So I tried to work it out in my head to come up with something to make it where people would be more accepting of blessings they might be receiving someday soon and what I came up with was:
From him, through us, to you. It's not from us. It's from him. Take it and be glad.
I promise you this was like last winter or at least a fair bit ago and I finally had it all worked out in my head how to handle people who didn't want to be accepting and that is what I came up with.
Acts 20:35
Luke 12 16-20.
"And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’“Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain. And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.” “But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’ “This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.”
I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing yesterday.
Everybody else sitting there and here I am scribbling down notes like crazy lol.
I went up to brother Joe after the sermon and told him I had no doubt I was in the right place.
That I was hearing exactly what it was big man wanted me to hear :-).
That there was an unbelievable story bout to be told that he wouldn't believe.
Brother Joe has made overtures of "wanting to hear my story"
Well...
that could take a lil while to say the least.
So I started paring it down yesterday.
I've got something bouncing around in the back of my head I'm calling "The times I was absolutely certain God was working in my life."
I got about six or seven really dramatic instances I think would get people's attention.
Anyway, that's for working on later today.
Brother Joe will get the condensed version someday here soon.
One of the instances was pulling up on the bike and looking at the sign for New Chapel and just going, "Yep, this is it, don't know why I never thought about it before."
Meanwhile there is a bible study this Tuesday PM and Wed AM at Lewisport Methodist.
(Where Brother Joe also preaches as New Chapel is not a station church.)
Do you think I would be going to bible study if I was still attending the church where I was going?
I doubt it.
Love you Virgie.
Have a great day being your awesome self today.
ttyl.
RUMI
A Lover asked his Beloved,
“Do you Love yourself more than you Love me?”
Beloved replied:
“I have died to myself and I live for you,
I’ve disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I’ve forgotten all my learnings,
But from knowing you I have become a scholar.
I have lost all my strength,
But from your power I am able.
I Love Myself,
I Love You.
I Love You,
I Love Myself.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Alaska
Hawaii
Europe
Two week cross country bike trip.
Everything I ever sent you sayin everywhere I ever wanted to go with you.
Bruce Lee
"Moving, be like water. Still, be like a mirror. Respond like an echo."
"We are always in a process of becoming and nothing is fixed. Have no rigid system in you, and you’ll be flexible to change with the ever changing.
Open yourself and flow, my friend. Flow in the total openness of the living moment. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.Moving, be like water.
Still, be like a mirror. Respond like an echo."
:-)
We got a few Lucy lol.
From Muhlenberg County KY.
Three counties over.
Love you.
Dinner at mom.
TTYL
My buddy
"Do something Great today as you define it for you.
Disarm your critics with performance as you define it for yourself.
Don't be stupid like me.
Be humble, bold and true to you.
You'll find a tribe and you will flourish!"
Derrick
I think I've found my tribe sir :-).
Know I have actually.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Been
studying up and all you know?
A guy might wanna be prepared.
Never know what may happen in this crazy world.
"Just got
Just got home from Illinois locked the front door oh boy!
Got to sit down take a rest on the porch
Imagination sets in pretty soon I'm singin'
Doo doo doo lookin' out my backdoor..."
Aldous Huxley
"A mind that has come to the stillness of wisdom shall know being, ... shall know what it is to love. Love is neither personal nor impersonal. Love is love, not to be defined or described by the mind as exclusive or inclusive. Love is its own eternity; it is the real, the supreme, the immeasurable."
Yesterday :-).
8 AM
Heavy dew, fresh cut grass from day before, dogs are all a mess lol.
8:30.
Two deer hams three boston butts, two with rub, one with just salt and pepper.
Panning it up time. Ready to slather with dip.
Back on the smoker.
Christian said he always wondered what it would take to fill the smoker up.
Well we found out.
Two chickens, three boston butts, two deer hams and three racks of ribs.
(Could have got two more racks of ribs on the rib holder but close enough enough.
Hailey was ready to put the creek fries on and Christian told her there wasn't room.
She thought he was kidding lol.
Almost there :-).
That smile somebody says she loves :-).
Honey glaze time.
Thats six lbs of honey going into seven pans just in case anybody is counting :-).
Along with some more salt and pepper.
Oh my goodness :-)
Notice the ribs are gone?
That was the appetizer.
Bout filled everybody up lol.
Lil more smokiness to go.
The nine and a half hour pulled pork sandwiches.
Straight hickory this time.
Temp stayed 200-250 most of the time, got out of hand a couple times but was dropped right back down.
If somebody wanted to put sauce on these I'd want to kill 'em.
Same with anybody from TN that wanted to put coleslaw on them first without tasting them.
If that your regions thing?
Thats fine, I get that everywhere has there own thing, but at least try it first without the coleslaw on it.
If you decide you want it on the sandwich after that?
Well, then I wouldn't have such a problem with it.
But it still ruins the sandwich if you ask me.
Put that shit on the side lol.
Nero and the other dogs enjoyed their bones.
I take Nero back to Christians just bout everyday for a couple of hours.
It wears him out playin with momma and his brother.
He was back there yesterday from 8 AM till 9:30 PM.
He has only been up for a lil while today, he keeps falling back asleep lol.
Tada!
Christian putting the last of the dip on the meat.
Thats a mop btw lol.
The running joke was:
"What do you have for sides?"
"Well there's pulled pork."
"Okay, but what do you have for sides?"
"Well there's chicken."
"Okay but what do you have for sides?"
"Well there's ribs."
"Okay, but what do you have for sides?"
"Well there's some deer hams."
"Okay but what do you have for sides?"
"Oh, over there somewhere, I think there are some creek fries."
I reminded those that were there previously for the turkey we smoked that we only had creek fries for a side that time as well :-).
"I'd call that livin'"
Seems like I remember somebody telling me once :-).
Know who that was Bambi?
I think you do.
I'll put our BBQ, as well as my guacamole and strawberry lemonade against anybodys, anywhere, anytime.
Just wish you were there.
Nich too.
So who's gonna help me do all this down there Bambi?
Lots to learn sweetheart.
It's exhausting.
But oh so worth it in the end.
Reminds me of another process I've become familiar with if you catch my drift.
Love you Virgie.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Angkor Wat
You said you'd take me wherever I wanted to go :-).
ALways wanted to see it.
Night
(For real this time :-)
Love you.
Why on earth
people don't believe me when I tell them something is beyond my comprehension at this point.
WHY BE RELIABLE
“Only recently a prominent public man was criticized throughout the newspaper world as one not having enough character to keep his promises. He had not the stamina to make good when to do so proved difficult. He hadn’t the timber, the character fiber to stand up and do the thing he knew to be right, and that he had promised to do. The world is full of these jelly-fish people who have not lime enough in their backbone to stand erect, to do the right thing. They are always stepping into the spotlight in the good-intention stage, and then, when the reckoning time comes, taking the line of least resistance, doing the thing which will cost the least effort or money, regardless of later consequences. They think they can be as unscrupulous about breaking promises as they were about making them. But sooner or later fate makes us play fair or get out of the game.” –Orison Swett Marden, Making Life a Masterpiece, 1916
UTE Prayer
Earth teach me stillness
as the grasses are stilled with light.
Earth teach me suffering
as the old stones suffer with memory.
Earth teach me humility
as blossoms are humble with beginning.
Earth teach me caring
as the mother who succors her young.
Earth teach me courage
as the tree which stands all alone.
Earth teach me limitation
as the ant which crawls on the ground.
Earth teach me freedom
as the eagle which soars in the sky.
Earth teach me resignation
as the leaves which die in the fall.
Earth teach me regeneration
as the seed which rises in the spring.
Earth teach me to forget myself
as melted snow forgets its life.
Earth teach me to remember kindness
as dry fields weep with rain.
translated by Chief John Yellow Lark, Lakota Sioux Chief, 1887
Thursday, August 27, 2015
K
Lucy?
Just let me know somehow.
Going to bed, didn't sleep so good with a bum wrist yesterday.
Love you.
Night.
He
passed away 25 years ago today.
I remember hearing it on the radio driving down Nicholasville Road in Lexington in my convertible Suzuki Sidekick.
It was the last time I ever cried when a musician died.
I went home and just sat on the couch all day in shock.
Rumi
What comes, will go. What is found, will be lost again. But what you are is beyond coming and going and beyond description.
You are It.
Woman Logic pt 352
Not taking the time to read a reply in social media that they specifically asked for because "I don't have time to read all that" while taking the time to read the 18 paragraph dissertation on Cracker Barrel's chicken sandwich and how it relates to not wanting me to be there to help design centerpieces eight times.
Priceless :-).
Love you Bambi :-).
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
For
whatever reason some people still don't think I mean what I say.
I assure you, I am not going to live like this any longer.
It's not a decision thats been made in the last few days.
It's a decision that is the culmination of his behavior toward me for the last three or four years.
I'm gonna try and leave it right there.
Try.
Love you Bambi.
News story
You can't "temporarily" close a smelter.
Once the molten aluminum solidifies in the pots it cost millions to bring it back online.
It's not cost efficient to bring it back on line.
The plant is well past it's useful shelf life.
It's over.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Share
it with who you need to.
People need to know.
and yes, I know it's hard, but you've been very amazing.
Unbelievably so.
Speedbump.
Hopefully.
Always pray for the best.
But he needs to understand exactly what it is that could befall him.
And
I assure you, I have never ever been as serious about anything in my whole entire life.
Thats where I'm at.
Thats what I'll do.
I've said my piece.
It is exactly how I feel.
I'll say it in person to whoever wants to hear it.
I will not have constant self-created bullshit and drama in my life for no reason.
When the time comes?
They will be gone.
I don't really care who they are.
It doesn't matter.
I will have peace and calm in my life.
Period.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Did
you get all of that in text?
Were you looking at the right phone?
Bahahahahahaha
Oh yeah, thats a good one there, all this shit is in my head and there's an alternate Tuscon area phone number coming through on my phone.
Yep, I'm bonkers, all in my head lol.
I'm
gonna tell you a lil story.
Bout ordering a chicken sandwich at Cracker Barrel on the way back from the Tampa Bay Blues Festival.
It will make sense in the end.
I hope lol.
Dave and his buddy Pat and I get our table and drinks and start placing our orders.
"The chicken sandwich please."
"Fried or grilled?"
"Grilled."
"What kinda bread would you like that on?"
"What kind do you have?"
"Sourdough, wheat or white or Sourdough wheat."
"Sourdough please."
"How would you like your bread cooked?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Would you like your bread grilled, seared or toasted?"
"Whats the difference?"
"Grilled is on the flat top with butter, seared is on the flat top without butter and toasted is, well, toasted."
"Grilled sourdough please."
"Would you like cheese?"
"Yes please."
"What kind of cheese would you like?"
Dave, (sensing the slow steady buildup to the waitress): "Careful, I can tell by the look on his face a couple more questions and he is gonna blow."
Seriously, at this point I was just thinking, "Could I just have a chicken fucking sandwich please?"
Me, smiling now since Dave had successfully defused the situation, "What kind of cheese do you have?"
"Pepper jack, Swiss, American."
"American please."
Now days when I get my chicken sandwich at Cracker Barrel?
I just rattle off everything I want since I know what it is already :-).
It just makes it easier for everybody.
This is why you didn't want me nowhere near a situation making a ton of decisions about place settings or napkins or centerpieces or lighting or anything of the sort.
Cause I would just be glad it's all there to start with.
It's nothing worth racking my brain over to try and make a decision on.
Not to me anyway.
It's just not.
I'm sure whatever you decided on is going to be absolutely spectacular.
I have no doubt.
My being there would have been more of a hindrance than of any help to you.
Trust me on this.
Or ask Dave lol.
I'm gonna be to focused on you to notice to much of anything else anyway :-).
Think back to paint samples lol.
Only on a grand scale Lucy :-).
Love you Dollbaby.
Starting to just now come back around to a state of calm.
Hope it carries through the evening.
PS
So, you've told me how you want my eyes to look.
You've told me how you want to be held.
You've told me how you want to be kissed.
Any chance we can just let things happen?
Just a thought.
Trust me, I already know better than to think that's gonna happen.
Told you I was coming back around.
Bahahahahahaha
I'm
sorry :-(.
I could feel it building, I knew it was coming.
If you were here?
I'd make it a point to find some of these and give them to you.
But you're not :-(.
So this has to do.
Anxiety
meds from last night puttin a hurtin on me today.
It's why I don't like to take them.
Layin down.
Try to get a nap in.
Love you.
Always.
Never forget.
Promise.
Just like the last three years.
Only till the end of days this time.
Love you.
Even if
you make me so mad I could bite a nail into.
I'd still choose you.
Have chosen you.
Everyday.
Always.
Lets
make it reality :-).
They
got married.
Sure they fought from time to time..
Most couples do.
But they always made up.
They about drove each other nuts.
But at the end of the day, they both knew they could only ever be with each other.
They did the coolest shit in the world together.
Both of them determined not to mess it up and to make it work.
Whatever they had to do for each other.
Thats what they would do.
Lots of people wished they were them.
Or they wished they could have what they have.
They lived happily ever after.
They always had each others backs.
Always.
THE END
(Of this part of the journey anyway :-).
Love ya Lucy.
Would
you rather I didn't react at all yesterday?
How would that have left you feeling?
Probably not very good I bet.
If I didn't truly mean what I said, all of it, then the reaction wouldn't be so intense.
Remember what I told you about you practical joker types?
You guys never know when to stop.
Then the person blows up and it's all their fault lol.
Thats it about yesterday, this past weekend, burying it, past history, moving on, just like always.
Figure that.
Think a girl would know by now lol.
Love you.
Seems
like now is the time to rise sweetheart.
You've already been a better parent for him than his mother.
I think
you'll be the best stepmom the world has ever seen.
I really really do.
If it wasn't what you really wanted?
I don't think you would still be here.
I honestly believe that.
I push the envelope.
More than I should sometimes.
I get that.
Especially when I feel backed in a corner.
Thats a fair criticism I wholeheartedly accept.
Please.
I'm begging you.
No more poking the bear okay?
Just no need at this point.
Love you Virgie.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Don't
ever pull this shit again.
Ever.
You've done it enough.
I'm sure you know about the consequences of your actions today.
It almost got real bad.
In fact it did get real bad.
I'm done.
I'm a ticking time bomb till somebody tells me whats what.
This will not go away.
If it all falls to pieces so be it.
I will persevere till I find out whats going on.
I stopped by the neighbors today who heard I was retired.
Needless to say it was an interesting story.
At this point I don't care who I piss off or alienate.
Just doesn't matter anymore.
Congratulations on today.
I'm sure this is what your intent was.
NOT!
Nichs at Granny's.
He should stay there for a while.
He is a liability here.
He never wants to help.
It's like pulling teeth.
Tired of picking up after him.
Lazy.
Absolutely no common sense.
Waits till I'm in the middle of washing the bike to start putting his computer together.
Just out of the blue on Sunday evening in the kitchen.
Boxes and screws and parts everywhere.
He can't even keep up with his phone
"Can you help?"
I'm right in the middle of washing the bike.
"No, I can't"
He had walked outside and didn't even see me working on it.
Just totally oblivious to anything that doesn't concern him.
Never bothers to ask or see if I'm in the middle of something.
Just expects me to drop what I'm doing and come help.
Always consumes.
Never produces.
Talks to me like I'm his house niger.
Fuck that.
I gonna miss him lol.
Na, not at first anyway, ain't no fucking way.
Daddy will enjoy the break for a while.
Then I'll miss him.
But not that smart ass mouth.
It went well to not to come to blows.
I was in his face begging him to do something.
Begging him to go outside and just get it settled once and for all.
He don't want any part of it.
Can't say I blame him.
It will happen one day
Soon probably at this rate.
Mom talking bout moving to Nashville relocating.
Nich said he had visited a southern school.
Lady at church ask mom about a trip she took and mom tries to play it off.
Dave saying I belong in Tennessee.
Mom talking about ways to work around selling the house when the time comes.
Cause she knows its near.
Alan starting a new business.
Dave firing up amazon.
Mom and my aunts long lost cousin in Franklin that nobody ever heard of before till this year.
I mean just on and on and on but then when I press the issue about things cause I'm teetering on the edge I'm the bad guy?
After multiple times of me telling people I'm teetering, yet I'm the bad guy.
Al telling me I'm on the right path and to hang in there.
That wasn't about a job.
Recruiting agency with one job posting.
Really?
Found me on linkedin.
How convenient.
Mom asking me about watching movies with Christian when I hadn't told anyone about it.
Not even Nicholas.
Now how does mom know I'm watching movies at Christians when I hadn't told anyone?
Nobody freaking out.
Nobody saying sell the bike.
Everything just as status quo as could be expected.
But I am the one that's insane.
Well so be it, guess I've always been that way.
Told people and told people and told people.
Ready to snap.
Playin mommy and daddy and chef and drycleaner and taxi and taking care of a house and dealing with him and I just can't handle it anymore.
Just can't.
Been doing it to long.
Nobody ever listens to daddy.
Nobody ever tells daddy it will all be okay soon.
And if they do?
Their version of soon aint what most people would think it was.
Lets just pile more shit on to him he can handle it.
No I can't.
Not anymore enough.
Nobody had an answer for how mom knew I was watching movies with Christian without me telling anyone.
They all everyone drew a blank stare.
Wonder why?
Ain't that hard to figure if you ask me.
Lady that drives him home telling me that Nich told her I was getting married and moving to TN.
Lawyer asking me if I had found someone to take care of me.
But I'm the insane one.
I've lost it.
I don't bring up this stuff to these people.
They bring it to me.
Out of the blue.
But I'm the crazy one.
I fucking know better.
I see cracks and fissures in people stories and they only match up with what I had told someone else.
I saw Nichs smirk at Alex wedding when he was talking about mine.
I saw him crack when I
told him I was gonna sell the truck.
I know he knows.
I'm not fucking stupid.
This is what pisses me off.
Somebody needs to come clean.
It ain't that hard.
Shits coming unraveled Lucy.
You went a step to far this time.
Sometimes step moms gotta pull it back together.
Know what?
Good luck with that.
If you hadn't did what you did today?
You wouldn't be having to piece it back together sweetheart.
Or don't.
Fuck it whatever at this point.
So was it worth it?
Cause I don't see how it could have possibly been.
Just about cost ya.
I wouldn't pull this shit ever again.
Ever.
Let me know around when or cut off all contact with my family and friends.
It's really pretty simple.
Your call.
Thanks for another sleepless night.
Love those.
Thats what my body needs more of.
Love you.
God Bless you.
Yes I went to church today.
Good Night.
They
got married.
Sure they fought from time to time..
Most couples do.
But they always made up.
They about drove each other nuts.
But at the end of the day, they both knew they could only ever be with each other.
They did the coolest shit in the world together.
Both of them determined not to mess it up and to make it work.
Whatever they had to do for each other.
Thats what they would do.
Lots of people wished they were them.
Or they wished they could have what they have.
They lived happily ever after.
They always had each others backs.
Always.
THE END
(Of this part of the journey anyway :-).
Love ya Lucy.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
JLH
"Boom boom boom boom
I'm gonna shoot you right down,
right offa your feet
Take you home with me,
put you in my house
Boom boom boom boom
A-haw haw haw haw
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm
I love to see you strut,
up and down the floor
When you talking to me,
that baby talk
I like it like that
Whoa, yeah!
Talk that talk, walk that walk
When she walk that walk,
and talk that talk,
and whisper in my ear,
tell me that you love me
I love that talk
When you talk like that,
you knocks me out,
right off of my feet
Hoo hoo hoo
Talk that talk, and walk that walk"
Definition of cool.
His birthday today :-).
One of my all time favs.
Never saw him.
Took me a long time to appreciate a lot of his early stuff.
We celebrate his birthday in the house.
Promise.
And yes I like that talk.
That baby talk.
You knocks me out
Right off my feet.
A-haw haw haw haw
:-).
Yeah you do.
I know for a fact you were extremely awesome today :-).
Just like everyday.
Only more so.
Today.
Love you Bambi.
Music is better today lol.
Shut the fuck up.
Bahahahahahahahahaha
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