Email

to mom explaining how things were handled today.

(Travis was Huberts dog)

Yes. I took Travis myself. I didn't want her to go with me. No need for her. She was just going to be upset anyway, so why bother? I could tell she didn't really like my idea. She wanted the drama and the attention, I merely took it away from her. I slept for about an hour, she woke me up, we got Travis in the car, I drove to the Vet in Fern Creek, she had already called ahead so they knew I would be coming and using her credit card. They took us in to a room, asked if I wanted to witness, I told them no, paid and left. "Well that was quick." she said when I got back. She got a lil emotional when we got Travis in the car and when I got back, but not nerely the ordeal it would have been if she would have went. I rubbed her back for a minute and then told her I needed to get to bed. I slept from 10:30 - 3:30 and then again till finally getting up at 4:30. "Well how did you sleep?" she ask. Told her I woke up the first time at 3:30. "Well thats not good." she says. I didn't say anything any more about any of it. She knows how I feel. I could see it in her eyes. She knows this was going way to far and could have been handled on a different day. Why the rush now? She will pull back now. it's how it goes with us.

As long as I am sleeping there she is going to behave in the manner that she does which is I am her lil bitch so to speak, I am "beholden" to her etc. It's exactly what drives me nuts, because if the situation was reversed? I really don't think I would behave toward her the way she does to me. That, not the dog or a 10 AM Saturday appointment is where my frustration comes from. She knows I wasn't happy and didn't appreciate the manner in which things were handled, good enough for me.

Funeral wasn't brought up. I think (hope) she can figure it out that I have no intent on going. Doris might as well be somebody off the street to me for all practical purposes. Been around the woman a handfull of times in my life, nothing against her but I really didn't know her all that much and the rest of the family I could do without. Dad felt the same.

Anyway, tensions have been reduced. I just hate going through all this crap with her every few months. It's not my drama, I don't create it, in fact, it is exactly what I no longer want in my life. Willfull helplessness, makes me sick to my stomach. brings back memories of Sheila, Joanna etc. It's why it strikes such a cord with me. I just don't want it in my life. Ever. Period. It's different when you can't help yourself or aren't old enough to have had the experiences to be able to deal with situations in life. But to pretend to be so utterly helpless? Sticks in my crawl in a real bad way. I've been asking her for years "What are you going to do when I am no longer here?"

I hope she really starts thinking about it.

Zen master tells student "If you move I will hit you with a stick."

Zen master tells student "If you don't move I will hit you with a stick."

Student tells Zen Master "I see, I must take away the stick."

It's a metaphor for being put in a situation where whatever decision you make you loose.

By telling her I would just take the dog without her I took away her stick. Like I said, I could tell it was not what she wanted, she wanted an overly dramatic big ordeal etc. I wasn't going to have it, I was to take care of it without her, or she could have done it herself with me just helping get the dog in the car for her. It wasn't what she wanted. Tough.

Love you.