So

much for waiting to talk till tomorrow lol.

Had diner at moms.

Come home and everything is fine.

Then the x-box all the sudden won't connect to the internet.

OH GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY! WHAT A MONUMENTAL CRISIS!

He wouldn't quit.

I told him he was being like grandmas friend's granddaughter.

Just non-stop negativity all the time.

Told him I'd had enough.

That I heard it more than anybody else and I am sick of it.

He didn't like that.

Whatever.

That started a whole cascade of discussions.

I told him a lot of things he didn't wanna hear.

So wat.

He will hear plenty more believe me.

I told him he throws the suicidal junk around much to casually.

That it needed to stop.

That if that was truly the way he felt he needed to go over to granny and grandpas all the time then.

I wasn't livin like this anymore.

Afraid when I come home if he is gonna be hanging by a rope in his room.

I'm just not gonna do it.

I told him he keeps talking like that then he is going to go somewhere he wasn't going to like very much.

No internet, no phone, no xbox.

(I did say padded cells and forced medications as well, which was a stretch to say the least)

I had to.

I had to gaze his reaction.

If he was indifferent?

Then he goes.

If he looks or acts upset or worried about it like its the last thing on the face of the earth he wants?

Then I know whats up.

He don't wanna go.

Go figure.

He had that "oh shit dad means it" look in his eyes.

Tears swelled up.

I was glad to see them.

So he suicidal, but not bad enough to want to stay at granny and grandpas when I am not here?

Yeah.

Okay.

I buy that line of horseshit.

He knew I called him out on his horseshit.

Thats what he don't like.

How many times have I told you this now?

Several at least.

He does need counseling, but I bet he don't go three or four times tops, and won't keep a journal or take on projects to completion.

Looking into it tomorrow.

He said I should have looked into it a month ago when he brought it up.

He also said shortly after that he didn't need it.

So I waited to see how things went and what I really thought.

I aint got a problem with the counseling.

I told him my mental health came first and that I would not allow him to negatively affect mine.

Because if I am not of sound metal health?

How in the world can I help this boy on this journey?

Right?

My first responsibility is to take care of me.

Because if I can't take care of me?

How can I help with him?

An internet meme I sent you a long time ago said; " I'll take for of me for me, if you'll take care of you for you. Not, I'll take care of you if you take care of me."

The later just don't work. (psychologically anyway).

I told him he manipulates peoples sympathy for him.

That he uses his race as a crutch sometimes.

That he makes more of an issue about being half Hispanic than others do sometimes.

Oh yeah, it was a fun night at the Hollifield household coming off of a sick weekend with Dove and him and Janet going at it tooth and nail.

Fun times lol.

Janet is a whole nuther story lol.

I'm sittin here feeling good honestly cause I know I am not going to continue to live like this.

Now he know too.

I got this look.

Thats it.

I was good in drama class.

But when I give this look?

Trust me.

There will be no doubt in anybody's mind that I mean what I say.

Thats the whole purpose of "The Look."

He knows it.

He has commented on it.

Came about when he was lil.

It was just me and him.

Nobody else to run and chase after him.

I eventually got it to the point where he knew by me just calling his name and "Looking" at him.

He knew right away don't do whatever it was he was planning on.

Anyway.

He told me he didn't wanna hear it go away blah blah blah.

Told him he needed to extend the same courtesy that he expects cause he doesn't.

He doesn't go away or leave when he is asked or be quiet when I don't wanna hear something and that if thats the way he wants to be treated then he needs to act the same way but he doesn't.

Full blown tears now?

Why?

Cause it's the truth and I am the only one who hits him with it.

I told him he was gonna deal with racist all his live.

Best to figure out a way to deal with it.

Work.

School.

Military.

Whatever.

He was gonna have to deal with it somehow.

Cause it's not gonna change.

Always gonna be ignorant people.

Always has been.

Always will be.

Probably be more in the future the way things seem headed but thats another blog post.

Told him when he walked out into the cold hard world that nobody was gonna give a shit about his problems.

Everybody has enough of their own to worry about.

So in two years if nobody (I don't mean family, I mean supervisors, CO's, professors, coworkers etc) cares about your shit, you might as well start getting used to that fact now.

Thats the life lesson to be learned here.

He didn't like a thing I said.

Cause he knew it was all true.

Me and Dove were talking and we both agree a friend is somebody that is going to tell you what you don't wanna hear when you don't wanna hear it.

Not some yes man.

That aint a friend my friend.

Anyway, just kinda been missin that "Good cop" to go with my "Bad cop" routine.

Told him I really didn't want him to end up in a facility, I really didn't but if it was that or me loosing my mind?

He goes.

He was told to wait a while but to make thing right with Janet.

He is right, she takes everything way to personal.

Always has.

She is under some stress as well.

Her life is getting ready to change as well.

Two people feel like they are loosing someone because I wanna do wats right for me. (and him).

He is an aingsty teenager that wants to listen to his headphones and she wants him to pay attention to her.

It was almost destined to happen those two blowing up.

I could tell a while back Janet was upset that I didn't move to Louisville.

Of course she wants us in Louisville.

She wants us close to her.

I just told her I couldn't ever afford it and I didn't really want to.

IF, I could ever sell this house, what I would get for it wouldn't get me a shack in a bad part of town up there.

No thanks.

But I could tell at the time (few weeks ago) that she was irked.

It was almost like, "Yeah but you will move there."

Well yeah, I will move there.

There is somebody there I wanna live the rest of my life and have a ball with.

Why wouldn't I move there?

Breakfast at mom and Al's in the AM, get to rehash a lot of this lol.

Fun fun...

Then just a lot of lil things, scheduling counseling appointments, dentist appointments, going to the Dr, pharmacist, paying car taxes blah blah blah...pretty busy day really.

Anyway.

That was my Monday night, how was yours?

Oh, and about those ass cheeks lol.

Love you Bambi.

Im going to bed sweetheart.