Today?

Was hopefully one of Joseph's worse days.

Rough all the way around till the end.

Meeting was just phenomenal.

Starting to get it.

I was a big influence in you deciding to make changes in your life.

You worked through a friend of mind to help me make changes in my life.

It's pretty obvious.

Now 

lol.

Buddy could tell I needed to talk just by my walking over to him lol.

Preacher said: "You look tired brother."

I guess so.

It's what happens when you're fighting what God tells you to be true.

Not accepting what you already know.

Creating illusions for yourself to believe in.

Instead of accepting his will for your life and walking out in faith 

and knowing everything will work out for his glory. 

Even when you know it's true to begin with.

Killing myself over things I had no control over 

and are already over with 

and aren't going to amount to a hill of beans in 20+ days anyway. 

Feeling guilty for being so selfish to begin with about my own issues with things 

as opposed to being strong and getting stronger for you 

as it's what I know you'll need sometime in the very near future. 

Instead of being thankful for the honesty and how hard things must be for you, 

being all wrapped up in my own shit I suppose is what I'm saying. 

Foolishness on my part. 

Sheer foolishness. 

I'm sorry. I apologize.

Talking with my buddy before the meeting helped.

He's gonna help in regard to another matter, 

which if I can read things at all, 

he kinda knew was coming going into the meeting.

So thanks for that.

I felt good going into the meeting.

Then?

Then it hits me.

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Eight Principals Based on the Beatitudes

By Pastor Rick Warren

Immediately drawn to number eight.

Yield myself to God to be used to bring this Good News to others,
both by my example and by my words.

Yield...

It's exactly what I had been fighting.
Didn't want to face it.

I read number eight tonight.

My voice cracked.

I told everybody what a struggle it had been all day.

I teared up.

I told people I knew what I needed to accept and that I had just been fighting doing so.

That I had to make my peace with it.

That feeling one way about things one day 

and another way another was going to drive me insane.

I know whats expected.

I know it all works out.

Still?

I didn't want to Yield.

Till tonight.

Reading that and saying what I said to everybody?

I left and went to the restroom and had a meltdown.

Later at the end of that segment hands were laid on me and I was prayed for.

I felt power moving.

During our session brother Brain kept saying things to the effect of:

"Are you gonna let your past failures, exfriends and relationships decide your future?

Or are you gonna step out in faith?"

"Why not trust the one who forgives you of your past and knows your future?"

Healing Lucy.

It's not easy but big steps were taken tonight.

I love you.

I can't do this without you.

I have got to get stronger.
For when they come for you.

I think tonight went a long way

 in that regard.

I love you Lucy.

Your husband.