Im not going to go into all the gory details but the first thing you have to do is admit that there is a problem. Then you have to want to fix the problem. Then you get to the point where you actually take the steps necesary to correct the problem. Sometimes depending on the severity and the length of the abuse this step can need to be drastic. It's just the way it is.
Victims generally believe that things are all their fault. It's not. What has been happening would have been happening with someone else if it wasn't you. It's what abusers do. They abuse. It's their fault. Lots of times what keeps someone "hooked" is the moments of clarity where you can see what attracted you to the person in the first place. That, "if we could just be like this all the time" feeling that you know deep in your soul is just never going to happen. Intermitent reinforcement is a powerfull psychological tool in the abuser arsenal. They don't even know they are doing it. It's all subconsiuos. The unintended side effect is the victim stays around a lot longer than they should. Guilt is also a common feeling among abuse victims as if somehow they could have fixed things or they must not be good enough or this person wouldn't be acting this way. It's nonsense, don't allow yourself to feel it. This is very easy for someone with a fragile sense of self or who is very insecure to buy into. Don't do it. The truth is we all deserve to be treated with courtsey, respect and dignity, and if someone truely loves you, they want you to be the person they know you want to be. Doesn't matter if it's family, friends, husbands, wives, etc. (Nicholas told me once he thought he might be gay, I didn't flip, I just looked at him and said just as seriously as I could, "I don't care if you turn out to be a polka-dot hermapherdite, I just want you to be happy, not successful, not rich, just happy...he just looked at me like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Our relationship has blossemed even more from that point on as he knows, no matter what, I will accept him. Now days he doesn't know if he is bi/gay/straight, but the more girls seem to come around to him the more he seems to lean in the straight direction lol). Point is, when people truely love you, they want you to be you, not somebody they think you should be, but who you really are. Isnt this what our creator really wants for us? I think somebody said once "he wants us to be with somebody we can truely be ourselves around". Why on earth would we want or accept any less? To do so is to invite misery into our lives.
Other things "John" said and other misc things that have been buzzing around the back of my cerebelum like a pack of annoying gnats:
"With our income we will make you miserable I will spend... blah blah blah..." Really? The "With our income..." part, dude, that was my line, sorry, nice try...More like he is mooching off of your income to support himself. Every address I ever found, shortly after, he shows up. Can he not find someplace to live and work on his own?
Abusers alienate their victims from their families and their friends so there is no support network in place. To me, from the outside looking in, this seems to be what has happened here. "It's like he brainwashed her or something". It's a recurring theme in abuse cases. "Your not good enough", "No one else would want you". After so long hearing it people start to believe it. It's just not true. Ofcourse some one else wants you. Someone who would love and cherish you and encourage and support you, in all your endevors. To me, this is where "John" has made one of his his biggest miscalculations. You already have a support network in place. It's ready. It's been ready. People know all about you. My family and friends will love and accept and support you the second they see you. All you have to do is make up your mind to come. I'll marry you the next day. When you come to be with us, wheres John going to go? He won't be able to weasel his way in this time. Sorry dude, gigs up. He is making two other gross miscalculations as well: 1) that you won't ever have the guts to do what your going to do someday as this situation is obviously unlivable at this point and 2) for some reason he thinks I'm scared of him and his bull shit. Let me just tell you this, my son lives at my house, all he has ever wanted is peace and calm in his life. We're almost there. You think I'm going to let this drunk abusive jack ass show up and ruin our calm and peace and quiet that I have worked all my life for? Does that even remotely sound like something that I would ever even begin to let happen Lucy? I told you a long time ago. Mess with me, thats one thing, mess with my boy? Oh, let me tell you, you aint ever even begun to see shit yet. The only occasion I ever had more adrenaline pumping through my veins than I did when I wrecked the bike was when I was driving to the hospital the night things went down with Nicholas and his mom. Trust me when I tell you it's not something he wants to be around and see. This is all without even mentioning you in the equation. Do you see my point? So when you come be with us, where is "John" going to move to this time since he obviously can't be with you? Tell City? Owensboro? Where is he going to work? What is he going to do to mess with us? Sheriff lives less than quarter mile down the road. He keeps an eye on the properity as he knows I'm in Louisville frequently. Even when not on duty he checks out my home when driving by. Christian (far left in pic, lives in the trailor behind me) flips out if I drive my step moms truck home, or he so much as hears a strang noise coming from my place. My friends don't just have my back, they got yours as well. Shit just will not happen. If he thought he was going to scare me away yesterday, he was sadly mistaken, all he did was strengthen my resolve and my commitment to you. You've got to do the work, but I'm here to help, every which way I can. He will be the outcast with no friends or family if he comes to our little community, they just don't last long. Real men don't threaten, they just do. He showed me who he really is yesterday. To say the least, I'm not impressed. If it was true what he said, if you were truely scared on my behalf, there would not have been 30+ page views yesterday, or 20 the day after the Black Crowes show, or the 21 the day after our court date. So I thank you for that, I know whats up. "Years if that s what it takes..." meant every word
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Your mom knows, your brothers know, your sister knows, and now I know "John" knows...I saw that twinkle in your eye in Yahoo Chat. It was the same twinkle that was there when you came down the steps at Kindred. Time hasn't disapated it in the least, nor has it disapated the twinkle in my heart for you either...Know why Lucy? Cause it's never going to...peace
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