He...

He just won't let me leave, I've tried and I've tried and I've tried to walk away from you. I've prayed and I have prayed and I have prayed to be let go, to let me get on with my life, but he just won't let me. He dries my tears and tells me "Get back in there. Be patient" How patient Lucy? How long is long enough? Every time I think you're going to be here or show up or call and nothing happens...ever. How many times am I going to break my own heart over you? It's exactly what I have done in the past and I want so badly to believe this is different but then it feels the same, then the praying and everything subsides and it's like WTH? How many times am I going to be the biggest fool in the world for you? I guess time will tell lol. Probably always would be my guess. How long does it take for you to get back to being that woman you know you can be for the "man you love" like you said? If your in therapy tell me, I'll be right there for you, but I just can not go on like this. To see those pics and know how bad I want you is just torture. Not in web cam, in real life, everyday, all the time, helping each other get over life's little stressers. That's what loves about sweetheart.

Nicholas told me, we were talking about his mom a while back and he said, "You don't know what it's like, you just don't, to have someone brainwash you and tell you everything is all your fault and your always wrong after a while you just start to believe it. It's what mom did to me. What was that jerk she was with? "Travis" Yeah, him, he did the same thing to her, so you're just going to have to be patient and keep hanging in there, it's the only way it's ever going to work. It's all you can do. You don't know, you haven't been through it." He didn't hear all that from me Lucy. How does my son know more about what Travis put you through than I do? Plus the comment about the swing. Plus the comment about "maybe when she comes she can help us fix some of the things around the house". Plus the book and the phamplet from mom, Plus James comment "I couldn't have done it". Plus, plus plus...adds up to something one would think.

I got up and went for a walk just a while ago. I thought I was going to be balling my eyes out for hours. It only lasted a few minutes. That peace, that sense of calm, that "Don't worry my son, I've brought you to this point" voice came over me. That's what I listen to Lucy. I'm here sweetheart.

Just got off the phone with Nich a while back. I text him and told him you weren't coming, told him to call me, soon. It was an hour later. It's never an hour later. He always calls me right back. "I just saw your text, why ain't she comin'?" "I'm just sick of it, I've done enough long enough and she don't ever give back, it's exactly what I did to myself with the others, I just don't think I can do it anymore." Now this is a 14 year old boy that has never been in love, had a date, or had a girlfriend and what does he tell me Lucy? "Well, isn't that what "true love" is about? Persevering through life's obstacles and all the daily bull shit?" I was like OMG, somebody (Lucy? lol) has been talking to my son. It 's why he didn't call back for an hour. "What are you going to do?" he ask. "Sit on it for a while I suppose, but she needs to understand I am at the end of my rope with this shit." Mom used the phrase "True Love", the neighbor did as well and now Nich? It ain't hard to figure out sweetheart.

I'm really hoping she understands. Seriously, I understand the "game", but this has went on to extremes.

I wrote this:
"...and know how bad I want you is just torture. Not in web cam, in real life, everyday, all the time, helping each other get over life's little stressers. That's what loves about sweetheart."

About and hour before he told me this:
"Well, isn't that what true love is about persevering through life's obstacles and all the daily bull shit?"

So you tell me Lucy, whose hand is guiding this? I already know, I've known all along. The evil one is a trickster. He wants me to think this is the same as the others when I know it's not. No way I am still here but by gods grace.

Nich also said "Well she obviously appreciates you or she wouldn't be getting carpel tunnel pressing F5 all the time refreshing the page".lol Nich, always with the tech angle. Thats my boy.

If I'm going to deal with your bull shit Lucy, then you gotta deal with mine sweetheart. It's harder than you realize, because things seem the same as all the others that have fucked me over in the past, so it's hard to battle through sometimes. Please, I'm begging, you and my lord, let it be worth it.

I can be just as mean and spite full as I can be sweet, always remember that. But it's never without provocation or justifiable frustration. That's the Scorpio coming out in me big time. Want to play the game? Gotta deal with a fella having enough after a while, just the way it works.

Just tired of being put through the gauntlet and want my prize, that special somebody to ease the stress of everyday life with, somebody to help ease the stress of everyday living, not add to it. You sure you're her Lucy?

You're not the only one that's a handful here lol. But your the one I want to go through life with sweetheart. You may make me want to pull out my hair (Oh, wait, I don't have any lol) but for the most part, most times, all it does is increase the attraction. Not really sure why that is, but it does seem to be the way it works.

"Well, isn't that what true love is about persevering through life's obstacles and all the daily bull shit?" From a 14 year old, give me a break, don't ever think I don't know what's going on.

Peace

Your future husband.
Andrew