Otis...

"...Take my hand
don't be afraid
I'm gonna prove
every word I say..."

I won't back down...

Your future life...

Name on Deed...
House paid off...
Quiet country living
Garden
Swing
Sunsets
Bike Rides
Fires
Camping
Weekend getaways
Awesome step son
Concerts
Kayaking
Festivals
Fairs
Hammock
Sunday Naps
I could go on and on, but you get the idea...

You are commanded to be couragous. To get what you want you're gonna have to do what you thought you never could, it's the way it works sometimes sweetheart...I'm here to help any way I can, but this is your battle, no one elses...

Rumi

Love is not written on Paper,
for paper can be erased.
Nor is it etched on Stone,
for stone can be broken.
But it is inscribed on a Heart
and there it shall remain
forever.

Night beautiful, sweet dreams, stay safe, Love you...

Rumi

To love is human.
To feel pain is human.
Yet to still Love despite the pain
is pure angel.

Rumi

The real beloved is that one who is unique,
who is your begining and your end.
When you find that one,
you'll no longer expect anything else.

Rumi

I will be waiting here...
For your silence to break,
For your soul to shake,
For your love to wake!

They got your back as well...

Tons of page view yesterday...just like I expected...tells me I know I'm on the right track...leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to go through, for a variety of reasons, all very valid. "Just leave" everyone says, if they've never been there, they will never know what they are talking about, there is just no way they can. It's just a colossial mind fuck of epic porportions...if you haven't been through it you shouldn't be telling people how to proceed. Lucky for you (more like blessed :-), I've been through four of these over 10 years, got counciling, took medication, recovered, and came out the other side of OZ in a much more enlightened state than I ever could have imagined, but it does take work, and you have to be willing to do so.

Im not going to go into all the gory details but the first thing you have to do is admit that there is a problem. Then you have to want to fix the problem. Then you get to the point where you actually take the steps necesary to correct the problem. Sometimes depending on the severity and the length of the abuse this step can need to be drastic. It's just the way it is.

Victims generally believe that things are all their fault. It's not. What has been happening would have been happening with someone else if it wasn't you. It's what abusers do. They abuse. It's their fault. Lots of times what keeps someone "hooked" is the moments of clarity where you can see what attracted you to the person in the first place. That, "if we could just be like this all the time" feeling that you know deep in your soul is just never going to happen. Intermitent reinforcement is a powerfull psychological tool in the abuser arsenal. They don't even know they are doing it. It's all subconsiuos. The unintended side effect is the victim stays around a lot longer than they should. Guilt is also a common feeling among abuse victims as if somehow they could have fixed things or they must not be good enough or this person wouldn't be acting this way. It's nonsense, don't allow yourself to feel it. This is very easy for someone with a fragile sense of self or who is very insecure to buy into. Don't do it. The truth is we all deserve to be treated with courtsey, respect and dignity, and if someone truely loves you, they want you to be the person they know you want to be. Doesn't matter if it's family, friends, husbands, wives, etc. (Nicholas told me once he thought he might be gay, I didn't flip, I just looked at him and said just as seriously as I could, "I don't care if you turn out to be a polka-dot hermapherdite, I just want you to be happy, not successful, not rich, just happy...he just looked at me like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Our relationship has blossemed even more from that point on as he knows, no matter what, I will accept him. Now days he doesn't know if he is bi/gay/straight, but the more girls seem to come around to him the more he seems to lean in the straight direction lol). Point is, when people truely love you, they want you to be you, not somebody they think you should be, but who you really are. Isnt this what our creator really wants for us? I think somebody said once "he wants us to be with somebody we can truely be ourselves around". Why on earth would we want or accept any less? To do so is to invite misery into our lives.

Other things "John" said and other misc things that have been buzzing around the back of my cerebelum like a pack of annoying gnats:

"With our income we will make you miserable I will spend... blah blah blah..." Really? The "With our income..." part, dude, that was my line, sorry, nice try...More like he is mooching off of your income to support himself. Every address I ever found, shortly after, he shows up. Can he not find someplace to live and work on his own?


Abusers alienate their victims from their families and their friends so there is no support network in place. To me, from the outside looking in, this seems to be what has happened here. "It's like he brainwashed her or something". It's a recurring theme in abuse cases. "Your not good enough", "No one else would want you". After so long hearing it people start to believe it. It's just not true. Ofcourse some one else wants you. Someone who would love and cherish you and encourage and support you, in all your endevors. To me, this is where "John" has made one of his his biggest miscalculations. You already have a support network in place. It's ready. It's been ready. People know all about you. My family and friends will love and accept and support you the second they see you. All you have to do is make up your mind to come. I'll marry you the next day. When you come to be with us, wheres John going to go? He won't be able to weasel his way in this time. Sorry dude, gigs up. He is making two other gross miscalculations as well: 1) that you won't ever have the guts to do what your going to do someday as this situation is obviously unlivable at this point and 2) for some reason he thinks I'm scared of him and his bull shit. Let me just tell you this, my son lives at my house, all he has ever wanted is peace and calm in his life. We're almost there. You think I'm going to let this drunk abusive jack ass show up and ruin our calm and peace and quiet that I have worked all my life for? Does that even remotely sound like something that I would ever even begin to let happen Lucy? I told you a long time ago. Mess with me, thats one thing, mess with my boy? Oh, let me tell you, you aint ever even begun to see shit yet. The only occasion I ever had more adrenaline pumping through my veins than I did when I wrecked the bike was when I was driving to the hospital the night things went down with Nicholas and his mom. Trust me when I tell you it's not something he wants to be around and see. This is all without even mentioning you in the equation. Do you see my point? So when you come be with us, where is "John" going to move to this time since he obviously can't be with you? Tell City? Owensboro? Where is he going to work? What is he going to do to mess with us? Sheriff lives less than quarter mile down the road. He keeps an eye on the properity as he knows I'm in Louisville frequently. Even when not on duty he checks out my home when driving by. Christian (far left in pic, lives in the trailor behind me) flips out if I drive my step moms truck home, or he so much as hears a strang noise coming from my place. My friends don't just have my back, they got yours as well. Shit just will not happen. If he thought he was going to scare me away yesterday, he was sadly mistaken, all he did was strengthen my resolve and my commitment to you. You've got to do the work, but I'm here to help, every which way I can. He will be the outcast with no friends or family if he comes to our little community, they just don't last long. Real men don't threaten, they just do. He showed me who he really is yesterday. To say the least, I'm not impressed. If it was true what he said, if you were truely scared on my behalf, there would not have been 30+ page views yesterday, or 20 the day after the Black Crowes show, or the 21 the day after our court date. So I thank you for that, I know whats up. "Years if that s what it takes..." meant every word
.

Your mom knows, your brothers know, your sister knows, and now I know "John" knows...I saw that twinkle in your eye in Yahoo Chat. It was the same twinkle that was there when you came down the steps at Kindred. Time hasn't disapated it in the least, nor has it disapated the twinkle in my heart for you either...Know why Lucy? Cause it's never going to...peace

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S NOTHING YOU DID. I'M HERE FOR YOU. CUT THE CORD. END THE MISERY. HE ONLY FOLLOWED YOU CAUSE YOU WERE ON YOUR OWN. NO MORE.

My conversation with "John"...

Had an interesting conversation with an individual named "John" today. John called me from your cell phone. He said he was your boyfriend and that you were scared for your "physically saftey" at this point. John isnt John, John is Travis sweetheart. Did I mention I hate it when somebody thinks I'm stupid? I see and have complete resolution with what is and has been going on now. More of a sense of relief than anything, all the pieces have finally fell together. It's a good thing. It's funny how you were never scared for you physical saftey when I went to Cookville, or when I went to Baxter, or when I went to your mom's residence. Seems like if I was really scaring you, that would have been the time to say something, not six weeks later, that story just doesn't add up. No way you say what you did with Adam Somed and do that lil dance you did for me and then your scared. He's scared, cause things are coming to a head and he's loosing you. If you are scared for your physical saftey it is from the fear of what "John" may do, not from me. Twenty page views on the blog the day after the Black Crowes show? From someone who is scared? Hardly, more like from someone who sees how they want to live their life. "John"...didn't even have the guts to tell me his real name. My pourpose in life is to protect you and Nicholas from any physical harm that I can. Thats my mission, thats my calling, thats my role, thats my duty. It's what I was put here to do. Protect you, not harm you.

It's funny. I know your going to check here and see if there was anything posted. It's the last safe place for me to message you, so I will. Great minds think alike. No wonder you went away. He found out about POF, text, Yahoo etc...everytime I thought you were running from me, it was actually him finding out about you :-(...This love is devine, it flows from on high, fear comes rom an evil place, love defeates evil everytime...eveytime.

John is scared, his emotional punching bag is slipping away from him, he can feel it, hell, I can feel it or he wouldn't be responding the way he did today. I pray for your saftey. Going forward, I will only seek to communicate with you from here. Only because I know you can see this at your work on computers there. Do a bunch of page views by opening and closing the browser tab and I'll see it and I'll know to continue posting. I'll see the number of page views, (they don't count my own) and I 'll know you saw what I had to say. Nobody else ever looks at this anymore but you. I'll never post anything unless it's for you. Consider this a shrine to our love dingleberry.

No wonder you mask the numbers. It's not that you want to, you feel you have to to protect yourself from him. That's sad. It's no way to live your life. But that's a choice you are making. If that's something you feel like you have to continue to live with, thats the choice you have made and you will live with the consequences of those decisions for the rest of your life. I have no doubt, he has threatened your life, his life, my life, etc...It's what they do. It's no way to live...

John said some interesting things in our conversation. He was going to file this complaint and that complaint and he had been to the sherrifs office with you and done this and done that. I wouldn't have done any of that. I would have just went with you to file the harrassment charges. I don't know how many text there have been over the last year, 1000's...to go now and say your scared for your physicaly saftey? Prosecuters where I live would have told you to change the number. He said he was going to hack into work and make all kinds of HIPPA violations in my name etc etc etc...so he obviously knows a lil about me. He said he will come where I live. Okay. Agian, who is stoping him? Be a bully to a bully and they crawfish everytime. I saw the look in his eyes in Cookeville, he wasn't so emboldened then. Easy to hide behind a phone. But why all the threats? Just do it if thats what he wants to do, nobody is stoping him. "I will make it my point in life...blah blah blah..."...he said. Maybe it scared others away in the past and they thought this just aint worth it. Well I aint them and theirs wasn't true love. "John" doesn't scare me. I tell Nicholas all the time. The people that threaten to do things all the time? They never do it. People that do things don't threaten others with it. They just go do it. "John" is threatening things these days only because "John" feels threatened. Thats pretty easy to see. His emotional punching bag is slipping away from his control. Once your mind has been expanded sweetie, it never fits back in the same box..."It's like he brainwashed her" the neighbor said. Now I know in no uncertian terms what she meant. Even Nicholas could figure that one out. He also said something of the effect of "...so just go to the bar...". Tells me all I need to know about him right there. That's what he would do, that's probably what he does while your at home alone and miserable. I don't go to bars, never did, never will, really just never saw the attraction. Funny how people think we must all think like they do. That's him projecting himself onto me. How about "No Thanks".

You don't have to live this way, you just don't. Your making a choice to do so, based largely on fear. It's understandable and since your saftey from any more of his abuse is paramount at this point then I will not text or email. Only post things here.

Tina Turner was abused every which way by Ike Turner. Sexually, physically, verbally, emotionaly, for years and years on end she endured this. Finally one day after a brutal beating she walked into a Hotel in Beverly Hills, nose bleeding, black eyes, bloddy lips...her voice quivering, the desk clerk just looked at her like "what is this?" It was Beverly Hills. She told him she didn't have a penny, she didn't have a credit card, but she needed a room or she was going to be dead. The clerk, agianst all rules, got a room for her, she nursed herself back to health, got the restarining order agianst Ike. Eventually she paid the money back to the hotel. Went on to have a wonderful solo carreer she never could have had with Ike. To this day she credits that hotel clerk for saving her life and for helping her see she COULD get out from under Ike's control.

Sweetheart, I'm your hotel clerk. When the time is right, a year from now, two years from now, tomorrow, whenever...pack a bag in the middle of the night when he is passed out asleep and come start your new life with us. I will not let any harm come to you that I myself can prevent. This is my promise, this is my dream, this is what I will work hard everyday of my life for, all day, every day, till the end of days...peace.

You could be here...everynight we could sit here...watch the sunset, talk, just enjoy being with each other...You're all I want, You're all I ever ask for when I pray. Already got blessings beyond what I deserve, just want that cherry on top of my life...peace

Tedeski Trucks Black Crowes

You could have been sitting on my porch with me watching it...I aint even gonna mention what might have happened on the trampoline...

Albany KY Trip 0622

Bachaelor Life

Happy Valentines Day Virgie...

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