Just

 

gonna jump right in.

Already started so might as well.

You gotta act like a Queen to be called one. 

And I don't mean be a queen to everybody else except who it matters. 

Act like one?

You'll be treated like one.

Don't act like one?

Wont be treated like one.

Pretty simple.

I already know you heard what was said at the garage.

Lord knows you hear and see all just like you said.

But how much would you hear and see if you didn't have your "minions" on your pay roll etc? At a minimum they are doing your bidding for you.

And I get it there's a good amount of intelligence, charm, beauty, and wit that comes along with the package.

But what would you have known without your underlining's doing your request for you?

Not much, 

not near as much anyway.

Here is the question I want you to seriously ask yourself:

DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO WALK OUT ON US MID-CEREMONY? 

IS THIS SOMETHING YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN TO US?

If it is? 

Then just keep acting the way you are, 

Doing what you are doing etc 

and it will happen for you/us no problem.

Cause that's where were headed RN.

A seeming train wreck at this point (which probably means everything is all fine on your end, you got me exactly where you want me etc).

Trust me, it will be a wedding people wont soon forget in one way or another :-).

If fact? I'll tell you just how it goes if things keep going on like you seem to enjoy so much.

And it goes a lil something like this:

Groom turns around mid-exit and faces bride to be and ask her directly in front of God and Everyone:

"Are you always going to be such an unconscionable c#@t? For the rest of my life? This what I get to deal with? For being faithful, true, devoted, dedicated, loyal, funny, not to mention a good cook and housekeeper and tons of fun? This is what I get in return? You being such an unconscionable c#@t? 24/7 forever for no good reason?"

and 

if your answer is yes?

 

Then right now, 

without waiting a second further, 

exercise your free will 

I heard so much about yesterday and 

sell everything and count me out and tell everybody it is finally over. 

You finally succeeded in pushing me to the point from which there was no return.

No thanks. 

I don't care if your pores ooze gold or how much you have in the way of material wealth and possessions, sell it all, it doesn't mean a damn thing to me nor did it ever. 

Not with the kinda shitty attitude I've had to deal with since Jun 21st. it doesn't. Since well before then butt you get my point.

 Apparently you think you can text whoever you want but I cant talk to a coworker? 

No thanks, no man worth anything would ever agree to such a thing, now or ever.

If somebody stands up to you?

You and your minions put them back down where you think they rightful should be.

And if they don't stand up to you?

Then you hate them worse than if they did stand up to you.

It's a no win game, so how bout just no thx?

Just wont play anymore.

Only took me a decade to figure it out.

Whole point is this:

It was game over from the time ours eyes locked on to one another, you just don't like to admit it, or at a minimum you just don't like me to know you admit it to others, 

cause it sure seems like the whole world is in the know:

Accent (Tell City Call center)

UMC

Church Family

(UMC and church family are two different things BTW)

Friends

Family

Co workers

Menards

Los Amigos

IGA

Neighbors

Neighbors friends

Former Church Family

Numerous Preachers etc

I mean how exactly are you going to hide what/how you feel from all those people for this long now? The fact is you're not/cant,  

Plus I already knew better to start with!

A decade ago!

The fact of the matter is if you were going to go?

 You would have been gone years ago (yes I know the same applies to me) but the fact is you haven't. You only act so emboldened when you know you can get away with it. 

Translation: 

If we had weeks/months to go? You wouldn't be acting like you are. Cause you know I'm gonna flat out tell you to shove it, and that's what you love so much, the ugly duckling with barely a penny's to his name (Quite literally) that can't keep from telling his ice princess to go fuck herself, he will protect his integrity at all times and regardless the cost. 

Even at great cost to himself.

Think I don't know how you are when you're not surrounded by your "entourage" as someone called it? 

Please...

You can be as tough and cold hearted as you want to be to in front of them, I've seen behind the curtain already, I saw it in your face the first time I ever looked into your eyes, I know nothing scares you anymore than me walking away from something you so obviously don't want me to and you'll try so hard not to show it not understanding I've known it all along already or we wouldn't be here honey.

Speaking of which why didn't you just let me go to Fla and be a waffle house cook for a while? What would it have hurt? 

You sure shot that down in a hurry.

Anyway...where were we? 

Oh yeah,  free will.

As in:

If you cant send me a screenshot of your text?

But you expect me to send you one of mind?

You can talk/text to whoever you want anytime you want?

But I cant talk to coworkers or anybody apparently?

 (Since ya got me holed up like a rat in a cage, Yes thats a smashing pumpkins reference)

I told you months ago, sell the house if that's the way its gonna be, I don't want any part of it, and put the fat boy right by the for sale sign in the front yard I don't wanna have anything to do with it either.

Lets move on to another subject, another one that's very dear in my heart:

OVERTHINKING.

(Oh yeah lets go there for a second :-)

(Lord knows that isn't me, underthinking would be more my nemesis...)

This one goes a lil something like this, or, 

this is how some people would rather 

approach things:

"This cant possibly be as good as it seems like it can be, nobody ever gets this, least of all me, so, if only there was some way for me to sabotage things before they could ever really get off the ground thereby, things would always be ruined before we even get started! Mission accomplished! Yeah, that's the ticket, lets go that route, cause that's what works for me in my mind. That away, I get what I want but everything is already ruined in the process to begin with."

Well...?

Guess what?

That doesn't work so well for the others of us.

I put up with way too much, 

with way too much intensity shown

from far to many

for far to long

such that

everybody has it in their heads what is a fair way to go about treating someone.

No thx, 

not from you 

or from your minions.

 If that's the way they wanna keep things?

 Y'all can all keep them just like that, 

only minus yours truly.

Count me out, no thx.

Like I was saying this morning? 

Where does all the shit roll to when I'm not in the equation anymore? 

Then who gets it? 

The unexpecting wives?

Spouses?

Kids?

Grandkids?

Pets?

Co-workers?

 Anybody that will take it?

Tired of being everybody's lil shit taker, no thx, somebody else can have that role and then be called a liar on top of it after 10 years of being dedicated and faithful and everybody all around knows that to be true. 

That sound like a job you'd want Lucy? 

You'd rush to sign up for that gig? 

Yeah, I'm sure you would.

Or does that sound a lil bit like loving the impossible? (Insert it aint me babe Bob Dylan :-)

Told ya many years ago and again here recently, take your being impossible to somebody else. hopefully they like the fat boy and the house as well.

100% serious.

If it cost us us so be it. 

(The person with the least to loose in the relationship is always the one in charge of it. Wanna walk away after you and your minions giving me nothing but a hard time for over a decade?

This is what you wanted? This is why we did all this for ten years? This is the point that everything we've worked so hard for together for so long was meant for? 

This moment right here?

To be just like we are right now?)

Not gonna be treated like I have allowed myself to be in the past, and that's discouraging too, that you do not understand that all these things are triggers and I cant do them any more and be faithful to who I know I am.

Took way to much shit, from way to many people, for way to long and its made me more jaded than I wished, to say the least.

I just can not put up with it any more, I really wanna be friends and get along with everyone and for all of us go places and do things together but the fact is I've already been down this road a time or two and that is just not how things tend to work out. There is always way to much jealousy, anger, bitterness toward the individual(s) that have crawled themselves out of the bucket so to speak, so it never works out like individuals may have previously wanted). People just don't gravitate to people they see as above themselves, (Think, "to rich for my blood") they gravitate to people they see as on their level or below them. Well? If you've seen somebody as below you and then all the sudden circumstances dictate that's not the case? (Financial, status, relocating, etc whatever...) 

Then what? 

What happens in that situation? 

I can tell you already what happens...people slowly drift apart.

It's just...

I'm gonna feel a lil bit like collateral damage walking around for quite a while. Already do TBH, 

it's just something I would have rather avoided TBH.

What if I had an unwavering army of loyal minions set out to gaslight you for a decade? 

And then right at the most critical juncture after 10 years I'll just flat out call you a liar?

"I don't believe you." 

I think were the exact words.

This is something I need?

From you?

Right then?

At that critical juncture?

This is something I just can not do without in my life?

After having shown all:

Friends

Family

Co workers

Menards

Los Amigos

IGA

Neighbors

Neighbors friends

Former Church Family

Numerous Preachers etc

exactly how dedicated/loyal/faithful and true I am capable of being to/for you us?

If that's the way it is going to be?

See the note about the house with the for sale sign and the fat boy in the front yard.

Kinda hard to give somebody something they don't want. 

Because if that's the price that comes with it?

Just being your/their (minions) lil whipping boy forever?

In the words of my buddy:

"AINT GONNA HAPPEN".

And any time I have ever heard him say that?

Guess what?

It never has.

Guess what?

Me neither.

Told people I would never see or talk to mom or Al again, ever, (opps, she just walked in the library :-) that I would not visit their graves, that I don't even wanna know where they are located. 

I'm sure people thought I didn't mean that when I said it.

Well now what do those people think?

If the price of my being your husband involves loosing any part of my integrity?

"AINT GONNA HAPPEN".

And you can take that to the bank and go sit with mom and al if you like.

Enough, basically.

The fact that you're on here at all today tells me everything is going exactly to plan.

One thing:

You're suppose to pull the rug out from under the guy a few days before the big event, not several hundred times and years before the big event ad infinitum. Just a lil FYI, your groom might get a lil jaded in such a situation, just a lil friendly reminder from the voice of experience.

And BTW;

don't ever ask me to go see DMB with you, you've ruined it for me, 

don't ever ask me to wash/wax any vehicles for you/us unless you do it first, you ruined that for me to,

 and don't ask me to do laundry, 

I'll do mine just fine and trust me you don't want me handling yours 

(goes right along with washing waxing vehicles etc. In fact two washers and or dryers might be a good thing.)

and I'll never pay another insurance bill ever in my life.

Promise.

The list of things I don't want to do with you seems to be growing. 

It wasnt always like this and I am not a big fan of this growing trend. 

Not really sure how you right this situation RN.

Not without an overt apology and an understanding that two sets of rules for one party and another set of rules for the other individual? 

That is game over before we even start. 

I wont go along with that, now or ever.

Feeling like something that should be so beautiful has just been reduced to shreds for basically no good reason, no good reason indeed, except for made up thoughts in somebody's head, its really what has reduced us to what weve become.

"can you help me remember how to smile?

make it somehow all feel worthwhile?"

Can you?

(I'm not really sure anybody can at this point 

and that's a lil scary feeling, 

but you get used to it after a while.)

I tried telling you how you were being around the holidays was a big mistake, 

you didn't listen, 

all the mans fault I'm sure, 

just because he was born a man ect ect. 

Its so old...

The fact is this:
There is not one time ever, in 10+ years now, you could have asked me for a screenshot of my text mgs that I couldn't have sent one to you without being embarrassed having to delete etc...

Not once, ever, in ten years.
How many times have I asked you where you were?
What you were doing?
Who you were with, etc?
Why you couldn't DM etc?

This is the manner in which you think its appropriate to act toward someone who has always shown you that kinda level of honesty and faithfulness?

I'm just not going to live with somebody who is constantly looking for something that's never going to exist (because it never has existed is about as good of an indicator as one can expect my lil ice princess) and if you don't believe me? 

After a decade of trying to prove it to you?

 Then its time for us to part ways.

It's a real simple question:

DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO WALK OUT ON US MID-CEREMONY? 

IS THIS SOMETHING YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN?

Or?

You could just be cool, 

have me relaxed, 

fed, 

and unstressed (good luck)

I was never worried about your phone, never even thought two thoughts about it until after the events of a few months ago.

What would you be thinking if the situation was reversed?

And our wedding can be the most beautiful thing anybody is ever gonna see.

It's a pretty simple decision honey.

 (Which means it's time yet again to go pull some teeth for no good reason.:-).

I want some answers about why should I marry someone who cant show me a screenshot of their messages but they expect me to be able to do so for them. Just stick around sometime, lord knows you are in and out of the place all the time, so just stick around and explain to me how "someone who cant show me a screenshot of their messages but they expect me to be able to do so for them" works exactly and who its worked for and how long exactly has it worked for on and on etc. I'm really curious.

Cause where I come from?

It don't.

Not before things are made official it doesn't work, nor after, does it work either.

You are so predictable BTW, knew this was coming all along...yup...

I love you.

I always will.

I'll die alone on a park bench or in a garage before I'll ever love another.

But i'll never sacrifice my integrity for you or anyone else either and I wouldn't expect you too.

You wanna play with the "two sets of rules for one party and another set of rules for the other individual?" crowd? 

Which, to me, is seeming like something you wanna do? 

Then go right ahead, 

Me? 

I'm better off in the garage and the whole world knows it.

I love you.

Id just as soon go with the beautiful wedding scenerio if it was me but if you wanna go the other route?

we can do that to.

Lived with enough c#@*s in my life.

I wont do it again.

Ever.

Promise.

I love you.

TTYS.

Straighten up and fly right, make things a lil easier and things will go just fine.

Otherwise?

Probably some issues you don't wanna have.

Your call.

I know what kinda fidelity, honesty, fun-loving energy Im capable of bringing to the table.

You or nobody.

Said it forever.

Meant it even before I ever said it.

Yeah were publishing...

and if your gone?

Tell Nicholas and Chris I said hello at least...