should already be doing this kind of stuff.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Why
do I get the feeling, once again, you're sitting there, smiling from ear to ear, panties just as wet as they can be, just not believing you found a guy this fun, this mature (most times anyway) this intelligent and he is just absolutely crazy in love with you?
Why do I get that feeling Bambi?
Had to, just one last time didn't you?
Just one last "lets make sure he flips the fuck out so I know for sure he is the one." test.
You knew I was the one when you saw the picture of me and Nich going to DMB.
Your jaw dropped.
You came back for a second look.
Rest of this lil girl bull shit?
Window dressing.
Love you Virgie.
Just had enough.
I've
been iron like a lion.
I'm tired.
I need a hand to hold every once in a while.
I can't keep doing it for nobody.
Or for somebody that doesn't appreciate it.
I
mean if you're never gonna be able to trust anyone then just be on your merry fucking way.
How in the hell do you expect me to ever trust you now?
I'm
not broken hearted.
I'M PISSED.
Pissed that neither you, Nicholas, nor any one else in my family seems to care about my health or well being enough to give my mind a break over these matters.
Knowing full well it drags me down and makes me ill.
Still nobody says anything.
Nice.
erin_skimin could have said, "hey, that wedding on the sixth got cancelled."
I don't even rank that kind of consideration?
This how we are going to be?
Just a big ball of anxiety over one issue to the next?
Fuck that, go find someone else to sign on to that with cause with me?
That shit aint happenin.
I
mean if its all about trust, then how can I trust you?
Trust gotta be a two way street and frankly you're not keepin up on your end of the bargain here.
Your words just simply do not match your actions.
Today?
Today of all days to be like this?
I've heard it all before.
How you know how to treat a man.
Gonna show what good boys deserve etc.
This isn't the first time, or the second time I've heard all this.
Heard it all before and it means nothing to me.
You haven't shown me a thing.
Not that I could prove anyway.
All talk.
I can't get well with all the stress and the worry.
It just won't happen anytime soon.
You obviously just don't get it.
erin_skimin
Her boyfriend just started following me on Instagram.
Give me a fucking break.
Who do you think you are fooling at this point?
Nobody.
Thats who.
It's old Virgie.
Enough.
I
mean it Lucy.
This shit is not funny in the least.
I've fucking had enough.
Everybody knows who you are.
Where you live.
Whats going on.
Whats about to happen.
To keep it up the nonsense?
Just stupid at this point.
I'm still sick.
I won't get any better with all the worry.
Just that simple.
Time for somebody to step up and do something about it.
If she really cares?
If she really wants to be my wife?
I shouldn't have to ask.
Period.
Maybe
we should go back and revisit.
I don't have screenshots.
I don't have Adam Somed IM's.
I got nothing but hope and faith and thats starting to run dry.
Tender words we spoke to one another are sealed in the secret vaults of heaven. One day like rain, they will fall to earth and grow green all over the world.
~ RUMİ
Two's...
like I could give a fuck about two's or threes or 1+s or pageviews or fake Instagram accounts at this point.
Expect the same level of mercy you've shown me when I get a hold of you.
None.
Nada.
Zilch.
Zero.
Zip.
"Please sir."
"Beg some more, I might think about it, maybe.
Highly doubtful."
I'm
fucking pissed.
I feel like I have every right to be.
I know what you're bringing to the table.
I know what you have to offer.
Only thing that matters to be, is having your company, for the rest of my days.
But I have told you and shown you, repeatedly, as have my friends and family, what kind of person I am.
If that's not enough by this point in time?
Time to say bye-bye.
When
I say I've had enough that's what it means.
I say what I mean and do what I say.
If I say "Honey, that's enough" then that means stop.
It doesn't mean "Oh, one more time just to see if he meant it."
It doesn't mean "Oh, surely he was kidding"
It means fucking stop.
Now.
Period.
I had a three year old about 12 years ago.
I got a 15 year old that don't like to listen right now.
People who have kids grow tired of repeating themselves.
It seems like it's what we spend our lives doing.
I've done it enough.
Trust me when I tell you, my word should be sufficient and it should be taken at face value.
(unless something is said with a wily grin, smirk on my face etc...then it should be apparent I was being sarcastic.)
And
for the love of God, when you leave comments?
Do it in a manner that can be understood.
I don't do riddles.
I don't do puzzles.
I haven't in two years, don't plan on starting.
Not today, not tomorrow.
I was never good at them, don't enjoy them in the least.
My life is a big enough mind-fuck all on it's own.
Brain stays frazzled as it is just payin bills and making sure we got food.
You and Nicholas neither one seem to understand this.
Always this way with you practical joker types.
Oh one last time, lets get him one last time, play this trick on him blah blah blah...
Over two fucking years of chasing wasn't enough?
Gotta double check one last time.
Fuck that.
Whose ever decision that was?
Bad fucking idea.
Two years and everything else I've done ought to speak for itself.
It it doesn't?
Your still not sure?
Then fuck you.
Go have your cats and ice cream all you want.
Thats where I am at.
I've told you.
I've had efuckingnough.
Now you'll be mad, crying.
The fact is I told you I have had enough a long time ago.
Why you wanna keep poking a bear with a stick?
Don't you know sooner or later he is gonna get tired of it?
We
are supposed to be helping each other with life's lil stresses, not piling on more for each other to deal with.
Here lately that's all you seem to be doing.
I told you, I can get that from any piece of shit walking down the street I want.
Not what I am signing on for here.
You
went way to far with this today.
This is way over the line of what will be tolerated.
Supposed to be the best day of my life.
Here I sit in a hole.
With Chad.
Not you.
Chad.
I'm all about forgiveness.
Ladies at church.
Teachers at school.
But when somebody has been told over and over and over that a certian type of behavior is not appreciated?
Then they continue on with it in spite of repeated warnings?
I don't have to forgive somebody forever.
Eventually I will just remove myself from the situation.
Then I don't have to worry about their behavior and thus, I won't have to worry about forgiving them either.
Problem solved.
Simple.
Easy.
We are almost to this point.
Don't ever fuck with me about our future wedding day ever again.
Thats the only time I'll ever say that.
This is not funny.
This is not cute.
I am done playing.
This shit is about to cost you a husband and a life like you wanted.
Proceed with caution would be my advice.
How
is it not emotional abuse, what you're doing?
Keep getting someones hopes up just to shoot them down?
I
don't care about a lifestyle, or a house, none of that matters to me.
Being with you.
Nich happy.
Thats it.
That is literally all I care about.
Do you think
I get to enjoy this ride in today?
You think this is enjoyable for me?
This is the way I wanna live my life?
This how you make a "good boy" happy?
I assure you it's not.
I have told you over and over and over I can not deal with the stress of not knowing.
Yet you still do nothing to ease my mind.
Sept.6th.
Oh no next week, no the next, no the next.
How many time you think Im gonna be Charlie brown to your Lucy and let you move the football out of the way?
It's bullshit.
It's stupid.
Have a nice life.
Everybody says
"don't worry."
Then shit like today.
How can I not?
It's all I think about.
I don't wanna go to work today.
I don't wanna be where I am any more.
Tell me not to bother so we can both just move on.
Chalk it up to:
"Experience is what happens when you don't get what you want."
One more time I get sick?
I'll never say another word to you.
If you cared you wouldn't let it be happening.
Ease my worried mind, or go the fuck away.
Simple, easy.
Peace.
I'm gonna get back to having some one way or another.
Tired
of having my heart played with.
What if it was you?
How is this any different than what was done to do?
Had enough.
I'm going to end up sick again if somebody doesn't tell me whats up.
September 6th.
What a crock of shit.
You
make a boy wonder if he is ever gonna hear it a t all Lucy.
"when, do I get to hear it for real?
"Did
somebody actually say "Hubby" today?".
Love you.
It's
been over two fucking years lol.
Like you want somebody else.
Give me a fucking break...
real woman, know how to treat a man, gonna show me how good boys get treated...Blah, blah, fuckin blah...
Why don't you show me something for a change?
Oh, yeah, morning sunshine...
I
guess I am supposed to jump up and down and stomp my feet and cuss and call you names and blah blah blah...
aint happening...
everything is a test with you lol.
You act like you don't think I know.
Come fly away with me she says.
Then she won't let you.
You suck lol.
Love you.
I knew there was no way it was the sixth.
Everybody was working.
Adam is in St. Louis etc.
You...
don't...
fool...
me...
Never have...
Never will...
It's comin.
Our wedding day.
Been this patient.
Whats a lil longer gonna matter?
To live the rest of my life with the baddest bitch on the planet?
Deal.
So what ever freak out\Melt down you were expecting?
Aint happening.
Bahahahahahahahahaha
Friday, September 5, 2014
Dear
erin_skimin part 2.
Isn't it nice to know, you'll never have to worry about any of that ever again?
You
out shopping for more thongs Lucy?
Better be.
Bahahahahahaha
That and jeans and heels or boots?
oh good lord...
Love you.
Night.
RUMI
Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.
RUMI
Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.
Called in already for tonight.
Either way I'll be in better shape.
Dave had some Rowans Mill.
I took the Elijah Craig 18 year old.
We finished it.
Seemed appropriate :-).
Just gonna hang here and rest\sleep.
Barber\manscapeing etc lol.
We will see I guess.
Felt a whole whole lot better this AM.
Bourbon doesn't cure anything, it sure does relieve the symptoms.
Love you.
Really curious how you're gonna treat a "good boy".
Dear
erin_skimin.
I know.
I knew early on.
It's part of the reason I knew to never give up.
No matter what.
I love you.
Your amazing.
"...Watch her walk..."
"...Watch her walk..."
Love you.
Night.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Thats
a girl...
makes me happy...
:-)...
Love you.
Daves team got their asses kicked...
Rowans creek...made by Willett...
Good stuff...
Finished off the 18 year old...
Thought it would be appropriate...
Christian be home in a minute...
It's
your rodeo sister...
I'm just along for the ride sweetheart lol...
No need to have Alan call tomorrow...
I'm takin off any way...
Only way I'm ever gonna feel any better...
Cause something tells me I need to lol.
Maybe get some sun...
Go to the barber again.
Maybe even do a lil manscaping...
Somebody did say something about shopping for g-strings didn't they?
James eyes...two occasions...
He was talking about his girlfriend, how sweet, old fashioned, taking things slow, kinda girl she was. I said "What else ya want?" he said "Well, I could want a lot."
Talking about work: "Dude, it aint ever gonna get any better around here." Just the look in his eyes when he said: "No, no it's not." Told me everything.
Christian last night: "You know what we ought to do? ( That's ths scariest thing that ever comes out of his mouth by the way) "What?" "Drink a beer on the porch."
Everybody knows it the last times together comin up...
Your amazing,
Always liked your style.
"All day, everyday till the end of days..." dollbaby.
"Somebody had to show you. I'm just glad it was me."
Woke
up with lots of threes this AM.
Like that Sporty :-).
Layin back down. Go to Bike shop at 10.
ttys.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
I
do get a chance to delete my porn and clean up browsers and such before you get on my computer right lol?
I don't think there is anything there that would shock you lol.
Not after everything I've said lol.
I'm gonna take you up on that offer to do whatever I want to you lol.
It will be slow goins at first.
But someday?
Slowly build up to it.
I will put you through your paces.
Bahahahahahaha
Pic from this AM.
Feel asleep before I could post.
So, a belated "Morning Sunshine" to you :-).
Felt better yesterday.
New phone is here.
Can't get SIM card to work.
Going to get headlight on bike tomorrow.
For real this time lol.
I'll stop by ATT and let them deal with it.
Probably not putting it in right or it needs to be activated with the new phone.
Took my meds.
Going to bed early.
Thats all that's on the agenda tomorrow.
Phone and Headlight.
Love you Bambi.
Peace.
Kendall
from Cali huh?
Seems like I was in Skype wit someone from Cali the other day.
Woman?
Like I don't know.
Please.
Love you.
Sardonic...
yes spelled properly and used in the right context.
Go find ya a boy to do that.
Keep telling ya, you been running with boys for far to long and it shows.
Get yourself around a man who knows exactly what he wants and aint afraid to tell you and you run for the fucking hills for two years.
Trust me, I will flat out tell you what I want from you.
I will straight look you in the eyes and be like "Woman, get yourself over here and______________."
You can fill in the blanks.
Bahahahahahahaha
I
thought we were done playin tiddlywinks and lil girl bullshit?
If I make you so happy then marry me.
I assure you I am much funnier, more fun and even more sarcastic, sardonic, clever and witty in person.
How
many times do I have to tell you?
I'm tired of waiting.
I don't understand wats going on.
The stress and the worry are not healthy for me.
Just wanna start a life together Bambi.
I know it's comin.
It aint no Sept 9th.
But its comin.
You have really got to understand how my body operates.
Stress and worry make me physically sick.
Badly.
People are just used to it that's all.
They just think I will always be okay.
"Take some medicine."
They think or say.
They weren't there when the medicine wasn't working for over a month.
When I didn't have the energy or the will to get up off the couch.
If mom hadn't come and forced me to go to the DR I'm sure that would have been the end of me.
I just get so frustrated.
If I tell people how I feel?
They see me as a whiny ass complainer.
If I don't?
Then they wonder why I am frustrated and cranky.
I can't win either way I go,
Pneumonia is a flat out killer.
So when I say I am feeling much much better?
You should understand just how relieved I feel.
Some fuckin suit is worried about makin a point with SMC lol.
I just wanna live.
And live my life, my way,...
with you.
Thats it.
Thats all I want.
That and for Nich to be happy.
Thats all I ever ask for.
Ever.
Promise.
Peace.
If...
If I never heard the word "Sprint" ever again I don't think I would care one bit. Someday soon, I hope to forget more about networking than I ever managed to learn. It's the truth.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Can
a boy not get a three tonight Lucy?
Damn girl.
And that just fair looks so right up my alley :-).
I just always loved the sights.
The sounds.
The smells.
The lights.
The food.
The people watching.
The rides.
The swings.
The scrambler.
The spider.
The tilt-a-whirl.
I just love it all.
It's probably already came and gone by now as well.
Just like the swimming holes I wanted us to go to,
To cold now.
Exactly...
"And absolutely not enough reasons to stay where we are.
Case closed."
You're just ripping my heart out Bambi.
Piece by piece.
There is not going to be anything left of me.
Financially.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Just approaching being spent in all aspects.
Being mommy and daddy and working full time and managing a home and working 90 miles away has just taken it's toll :-(.
Like I said...
I just like the look.
Nich would say I am gay for liking the way a man looks lol.
Nuthin could be farther from the truth.
I like classics.
I like style.
Thong
Chaps.
Bandanna.
Black leather boots.
Leather halter top.
Country field?
Roadside look out?
Moonlight
Rear fender.
Couch.
Chair.
Table.
Figure it out lol....
No
wonder he is my fav of the major prophets.
"...Jeremiah "spiritualized and individualized religion and insisted upon the primacy of the individual's relationship with God."
Feelin
much much better.
Just kinda bummed about Saturday :-(.
Wanna see you.
In the flesh.
Your smile.
Your tears.
That dress...
Riding season coming to a close :-(.
No Saturday :-(.
Lost all my screenshots when phone died :-(.
(Didn't know I wasn't saving them to the sd card.)
Don't want them back.
Want you.
All of you.
All day everyday till the end of days Bambi.
Did
somebody like their lil conversation in Skype today?
Do I make you happy?
Are you gonna do anything I want you to?
You really gonna show me what good boys deserve?
See, I've heard it all before to no avail.
Seems like if you were?
You already would be.
Makes me sad Lucy.
Just
want
my
wife.
Sad about Saturday the sixth.
I was looking forward to it.
On the other hand?
Things have settled down on Instagram and Skype.
Maybe somebody is planning their move to reality here before long.
Fuck, IDK.
I gave up figuring shit out with you way back lol.
Just let me know when and where to be, and what to wear, so I can have my balls shaved, my stache trimmed up, be rested and ready to have the time of my life.
Love you
still tired.
Tired of being sick.
Just wanna know whats going on.
You drive me crazy lol.
But I love you anyway:-).
Hope you figured that out by now Lucy.
No...
It's past time.
"It's appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it's time to be happy."
You've been sayin it for over a year now...
Monday, September 1, 2014
Just
cleaned out my contacts.
Deleted about 300 people.
Time to downsize everything that's not serving a purpose sweetheart.
Felt great actually.
Most of them I haven't heard from in years anyway.
Ex coworkers, etc.
For a while I was so proud to have them listed in my contacts.
Thinking was, "Well you never know, you may wanna get a hold of them someday for something."
The thinking today was, "What the hell are they still doing in here?"
Just tryin to make my contacts a lot cleaner for when my new phone arrives :-).
New phone :-).
$25.
No new service contract.
I think I did real well thank you very much.
Bout Bedtime
Lots on my mind lately.
Yours too, I'm sure.
Love you Lucy.
Lets do this sweetie.
It will be one for the ages sweetheart.
Not just the chase either Dollbaby.
Lets keep this thing rolling.
Always.
I guarantee you
I could walk out your front door and take a backroad straight into downtown Nashville Nightlife district, Ryman, Bridgestone, shops, stores, restaurants, Centennial park, West End Avenue, Vandy, Exit Inn, Ellingston Street Soda Shop...everything...
Promise.
I could do it right now, on my bike and know exactly where I was going.
Notice
I said "might"?
I knew better lol.
"I just might be able to take a deep breath and relax."
Not till I hear you say "I do."
Then were good.
I'll breathe again.
Maybe
I hope.
Whole damn thing is just a big repeat of you walking down the stairs lol.
I gave up tryin to be cool in front of you a long time ago sister lol.
You know Nich and I to well for all that.
Just wanna be me.
With somebody that don't mind thats all.
By the time it all goes down?
With some help from my crew?
I'll be like:
"Yeah, shes mine, knew it all along bitches."
Bahahahahahahahah
Well
are we?
"bout done playin tiddlywinks here and Skype and Instagram, fuck nuts?"
I just wanna know what I feel in my heart is true and that it's happening.
Till then?
I'm a fucking disaster.
After I know?
If I get a phone call Friday that I am fully not expecting to get?
Then I can prepare myself mentally for whats about to take place in reality.
I stress.
Hard.
Until there is a plan of action before me.
Once I see what needs to be done?
Or in this case, what's about to happen?
I'm fine.
I set out on a coarse of action knowing wat needs to be done.
It's the getting started part and not knowing that just push me over the edge.
Wait and see.
Once we have a plan of action put together?
I'll have to-do lists and priorities and deadlines and be constantly be adjusting, re-evaluating adapting to whatever comes up along the way.
It's the not knowing part that is dragging me down.
Sorry.
Tina: "Well how long are you gonna give her, she needs some time to wrap her head around all this."
Remember when you felt like that?
That's how I feel right now.
It's not fair in the least.
I couldn't care less lol.
Janet talking to me out of the blue last Sunday about redoing her will.
All the instagram accounts drying up when my phone died.
Christian wanting to sell me a lil 38 that he said "Would fit in your pocket real nice."
Everybody going way out of their way to seem as normal about everything as can be...only thing is?
Nothing about any of it seems very normal at all.
Mom and Al not complaining about Nich not being in band.
Al not complaining about neither of us going to church.
I've seen all these signs before Lucy.
Like the lil girl that cried wolf one to many times sweetheart.
One would have thought three 400 mile round trips in two states would have been enough...but noooooooooooooooo, lol.
"Spectacular or bust."
I'm puttin my bets on spectacular :-).
Just wish I knew what you're cookin up.
That way I could be ready.
Hopefully Alan gives me a call Friday.
There is no way I can work Friday PM and then be worth a shit come Saturday.
Just can't.
Love you Virgie.
Always
liked this a lot.
"You have no idea how hard I've looked
for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What's the point of bringing gold to
the gold mine, or water to the ocean.
Everything I came up with was like
taking spices to the Orient.
It's no good giving my heart and my
soul because you already have these.
So I've brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me."
RUMI
Heading out
Lost my badge to Kindred.
lol.
Figures.
I can't think.
I can't sleep.
Mess?
Who?
Me?
Never.
Sept 6th?
I'll believe it when I see it.
Cause I don't think you're woman enough.
Bahahahahahahahah
Love you.
Yes
it would.
"You
know...
another...
"Relax idiot, I love you."
would go a long way these days...
just sayin..."
SIM card didn't work in my phone.
Worked in the loaner I got from Tessa (Christians sitter)
She is gonna let me use it till my new Samsung Rugby comes in 3-5 days.
$25 deductible on my insurance plan.
New phone.
Contract still up in Dec.
Switched to a new plan.
$50 less a month.
4 more gigs of data for each of us.
When I cancel satellite and savings on the phone plan?
$140 a month in savings.
Ought to help.
Mom wanted to help.
Wouldn't let her.
"I don't want you to worry about money."
"I've been worried about money my whole life, what difference does it make at this point?"
I just don't see this happening Saturday with you.
I just don't.
Shot me down too many times before Lucy.
I'm gonna tell you what it will take.
It would take a phone call from Alan on Friday telling me:
"You trust me right Andy?"
"Yeah Alan, you know I do."
"Call in to work today, just trust me, have your phone handy for further instructions."
When That happens?
Then I'll start believing for real.
Everything up to that point just seems like a dream...
Can't take the stress of not knowing much longer sweetie.
It literally will and has made me sick.
It's just the way it works.
Love you Virgie.
Ornery ass...
It's just life you know lol?
I mean what can you do besides just keep on keepin on?
Not like we live in Northern Iraq or Eastern Ukraine.
It's just a phone.
I think we will manage.
I mean, why wouldn't I get sick the week before my wedding?
Why wouldn't my phone die?
Always said there is a powerful force that doesn't want us together.
Tells me we should be if you ask me.
Love you Bambi.
ttys.
Morning Sunshine
Off to ATT store to see about a free SIM card.
Mine didnt work in another ATT phone just like mine so they think its the SIM card.
We will see.
Love you.
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