Haven't...

 

Haven't been here lately...only because you are not with us.

It is, what I aspire to be however.

Only two things in this world getting worth getting worked up over...

You...Him.

Nobody better ever mess with those two people.

Peace.

 

 

Never...

 

Never thought of it like I should be appreciating the 1+...I've been put in my place by a 14 year old lol.

Thanks...

 

Thanks so much for the pics...

They drive me crazy :-).

Come a long way sweetheart, a long long way :-).

I just want you in our lives so bad, that's why I get frustrated sometimes and yes it seems to be happening with increasing regularity the longer things keep going on.. 

Not sure what I can do about that except learn to deal with it I suppose.

I just didn't want you to think I don't appreciate your effort.

I know what a struggle it has been for you to open up.

I do, I really do. 

The Army pic is still my favorite.

I knew I was somebody special to you then :-).

 

Love you.

Nich's words keep echoing through my head.

I ...

I didn't write it Lucy but I agree and I will give you all I can of me always, thankfully I work a job where I can give you a lot of attention:-). Almost seems like its supposed to be that way huh?

 

"I think that one of the biggest reason why relationships do not work out in the long run is because at one point, one side (or both) stops trying. Before one claims another person as their significant other, they would do anything to make that person happy. They would chase, they would flirt, they would be charming. They would send daily morning and goodnight texts every time you wake up or go to sleep. They would write corny messages and pick up lines just to make sure that there is a smile upon your face. But once they claim you as theirs, all of those things eventually stop. The 5 page texts slowly turn into 1. The constant calls turn into not calling at all. And the lovely endearments turn into daily arguments. In order for a relationship to work, don’t ever stop chasing. Just because the person you want is now consider “yours”, it does not mean they deserve anything less than the time when you’re trying to win them over."

James1:17

James1:17

Isaiah 25:1

Isaiah 25:1

Rumi

I was dead, then alive
Weeping then laughing
The power of love came into me
And, I became fierce like a lion
Then tender like the evening star.

Rumi

Let silence take you to the core of life

I think...

I think we both just need to relax. Things are obviuosly coming to a head pretty quickly. Lives and dreams and familes are at stake. It's a lot. It's understandable. I haven't taken anything for the anxiety :-). Heart rate a lil up, but not nearly as bad as earlier.

 

Love you.

He...

He just won't let me leave, I've tried and I've tried and I've tried to walk away from you. I've prayed and I have prayed and I have prayed to be let go, to let me get on with my life, but he just won't let me. He dries my tears and tells me "Get back in there. Be patient" How patient Lucy? How long is long enough? Every time I think you're going to be here or show up or call and nothing happens...ever. How many times am I going to break my own heart over you? It's exactly what I have done in the past and I want so badly to believe this is different but then it feels the same, then the praying and everything subsides and it's like WTH? How many times am I going to be the biggest fool in the world for you? I guess time will tell lol. Probably always would be my guess. How long does it take for you to get back to being that woman you know you can be for the "man you love" like you said? If your in therapy tell me, I'll be right there for you, but I just can not go on like this. To see those pics and know how bad I want you is just torture. Not in web cam, in real life, everyday, all the time, helping each other get over life's little stressers. That's what loves about sweetheart.

Nicholas told me, we were talking about his mom a while back and he said, "You don't know what it's like, you just don't, to have someone brainwash you and tell you everything is all your fault and your always wrong after a while you just start to believe it. It's what mom did to me. What was that jerk she was with? "Travis" Yeah, him, he did the same thing to her, so you're just going to have to be patient and keep hanging in there, it's the only way it's ever going to work. It's all you can do. You don't know, you haven't been through it." He didn't hear all that from me Lucy. How does my son know more about what Travis put you through than I do? Plus the comment about the swing. Plus the comment about "maybe when she comes she can help us fix some of the things around the house". Plus the book and the phamplet from mom, Plus James comment "I couldn't have done it". Plus, plus plus...adds up to something one would think.

I got up and went for a walk just a while ago. I thought I was going to be balling my eyes out for hours. It only lasted a few minutes. That peace, that sense of calm, that "Don't worry my son, I've brought you to this point" voice came over me. That's what I listen to Lucy. I'm here sweetheart.

Just got off the phone with Nich a while back. I text him and told him you weren't coming, told him to call me, soon. It was an hour later. It's never an hour later. He always calls me right back. "I just saw your text, why ain't she comin'?" "I'm just sick of it, I've done enough long enough and she don't ever give back, it's exactly what I did to myself with the others, I just don't think I can do it anymore." Now this is a 14 year old boy that has never been in love, had a date, or had a girlfriend and what does he tell me Lucy? "Well, isn't that what "true love" is about? Persevering through life's obstacles and all the daily bull shit?" I was like OMG, somebody (Lucy? lol) has been talking to my son. It 's why he didn't call back for an hour. "What are you going to do?" he ask. "Sit on it for a while I suppose, but she needs to understand I am at the end of my rope with this shit." Mom used the phrase "True Love", the neighbor did as well and now Nich? It ain't hard to figure out sweetheart.

I'm really hoping she understands. Seriously, I understand the "game", but this has went on to extremes.

I wrote this:
"...and know how bad I want you is just torture. Not in web cam, in real life, everyday, all the time, helping each other get over life's little stressers. That's what loves about sweetheart."

About and hour before he told me this:
"Well, isn't that what true love is about persevering through life's obstacles and all the daily bull shit?"

So you tell me Lucy, whose hand is guiding this? I already know, I've known all along. The evil one is a trickster. He wants me to think this is the same as the others when I know it's not. No way I am still here but by gods grace.

Nich also said "Well she obviously appreciates you or she wouldn't be getting carpel tunnel pressing F5 all the time refreshing the page".lol Nich, always with the tech angle. Thats my boy.

If I'm going to deal with your bull shit Lucy, then you gotta deal with mine sweetheart. It's harder than you realize, because things seem the same as all the others that have fucked me over in the past, so it's hard to battle through sometimes. Please, I'm begging, you and my lord, let it be worth it.

I can be just as mean and spite full as I can be sweet, always remember that. But it's never without provocation or justifiable frustration. That's the Scorpio coming out in me big time. Want to play the game? Gotta deal with a fella having enough after a while, just the way it works.

Just tired of being put through the gauntlet and want my prize, that special somebody to ease the stress of everyday life with, somebody to help ease the stress of everyday living, not add to it. You sure you're her Lucy?

You're not the only one that's a handful here lol. But your the one I want to go through life with sweetheart. You may make me want to pull out my hair (Oh, wait, I don't have any lol) but for the most part, most times, all it does is increase the attraction. Not really sure why that is, but it does seem to be the way it works.

"Well, isn't that what true love is about persevering through life's obstacles and all the daily bull shit?" From a 14 year old, give me a break, don't ever think I don't know what's going on.

Peace

Your future husband.
Andrew

Good-bye.

 

Good-bye Virgie, always remember who loved you like no other.

I'm...

 

I'm torturing myself just like I have always done in the past.

I can't do it no more Lucy, you'll just move on and find another toy to play with.

My hearts been through enough already.

I though you were different.

I didn't think you were like this.

I should have known.

 

Peace.

 

Well...

 

She certianly like her attention, thats for sure.

Tell me, tell me you are Lucy, call, text, e-mail, be open and honest about it in person so we can move forward..

If she...

If she is seriously cluster B then all she has to do is tell me herself so I can breathe. But right now I am about to be hyperventilating any minute. I haven't ran from her, not from anything. I wouldn't run from this either if it's truly the case. I know and understand the challenges, I accept them head on. It's all about honesty and opening up to one another. All she has to do is tell me herself, text, email, phone call, not some anonymous post on a blog, that's not good enough. I told her, raped, molested, abused, therapy, what ever, I don't care what she has been through or what anybody else might tell me about her, nothing is going to change my mind. I said it about a year ago. I still mean it today.

 

But I don't really think it's the case. My son has been clingy as hell. He has been talking about getting a swing for the porch, getting a suit, "maybe when she comes she can help us fix some things" he says totally unprovoked, mom giving me books about foods that boost the immune system out of the blue? I think she is doing what she has always done, trying to scare me off so she don't get caught up in something horrible like in the past. I understand. I've been there, it's not pleasant, I wouldn't harm her in the least. I'm here to protect her from harm. She asked "Is the game getting to hard?" Next to going through the divorce and fighting for my son, and maybe one other incident in my life, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I'll put my faith and my belief in my sons clingy behavior out of the blue for no reason at all. The only reasonable explanation? He knows he is about to have to share his time with me. The band booster lady asking "You gonna get married soon?", all the little pieces add up to something going on with her. If she is cluster B, she wouldn't let it be known ahead of time, in all likely hood, she would have been here as soon as I started talking about marriage so she could set us up to destroy us. That's how cluster b's work. I hope she never plays around with that again, can't live with my heart in my throat. If it is the case? All she has to do is tell me herself and she has a partner through all the years of therapy. I don't say things I don't mean or wouldn't follow up on. This is something I take very serious and wouldn't just say to be saying. I hope she understands and if it is the case she reaches out to me, cause I am here for her, just like always. She's me, the female version if that's possible.

 

"This is my dream..."

Thanks...

Seriously, probably looking at some anxiety medicine, heart rate has been elevated for going on two days, can't catch my breath...all because of whats going on between us.

Please, take it easy on a boy, seriously, if you love me, please do this for me, you know what you're up to, I have no idea.

My heart...

My heart can't take this...Tell me to come and I'll marry you tomorrow. Work out details of move later. Your smart, you have a good career, you'll get something soon, I'll come with a UHaul and we will start building this life.Please no more scares like this AM. Pay back is a bitch I suppose lol.

I almost forgot...

Morning Beautiful...Love you.

So where's...

So wheres John? He don't mind me sayin all this to you this late in the night? This early in the morning? He don't check your phone? Ask who is texting you? Interesting...

I just...

 

I just get tired of crawling in bed and wishing you were there.

Not to get crazy, lol, just to snuggle up next to you and fall asleep.

You're ...

 

You're amazing.

I love you.

I want you all for myself.

And not electronicly either lol.

I think...

 

I think I made my point.

I think we probably both need to catch our breath.

It's gettin' close sweetheart, If it wasn't so real, it wouldn'tbe so scary.

Thats a fact.

Think about you all day.

Think about you all night.

Think about you when I sleep.

After what you sent me yesterday?

It's even worse.

Somehow.

Not really sure how that is even possible.

But it's the truth.

Amazing we haven't ran each other off yet lol.

Says all we need to know if you think about it.

Cause were never going to Lucy.

This love is eternal.

Sent from above.

To two true believers.

I always tell people,

"Lots of pretenders and posers in the pews on Sunday."

 

Love you.

I refreshed...

 

I refreshed the page and all the one pluses went away. I thought you had deleted them. My heart was in my throat. It's not what I want. It was like I just lost the person who knows more about me than any one in the world. I don't wanna loose my muse Lucy. I want you just like I have always said, all day, everyday, till the end of days. Just want a life together, working together on the house, building a lifestyle, watching Nicholas grow up and become a young man. Together. 

 

I want you Lucy, It's not spectacular or bust, it's you or bust sweetheart. You just happen to be spectacular in my book :-). Just tired of it. Feel like I've shown you how badly I want you. Not much left I can do or say...

 

Just wanna see you coming down our sidewalk in that little white summer dress, to Tom Petty's "Watch her walk", just wanna ball my eyes out in front of the world just like I am doing right now, and let everybody know in public what you mean to me. Wanna ride off in the sunset on the bike in a suit and you in that dress, wanna get Nicholas his first suit, wanna see him be my best man, wanna go to Destin next fall, (could you imagine how much fun we would have?) wanna wanna wanna...

 

We got to get started Lucy. 

 

More than anything I just want to know it's what you want too.

 

Love you.

Realistic...

Seriously, time to be realistic about things for a minute.

Neither one of us is getting any younger.

Lots of work to do.

Lots of fun to be had.

Lets do it now.

Or lets move on with our lives before we get too much older.

 

I know thats not very romantic.

But it needs to be considered.

 

"Hard headed, not a lil bit, but a lot"

Understatement of the century right there.

 

Love you Knucklehead.

I love you.

I love you.

But we got to wrap this shit up and start working on a life together or let each other go.

That is seriously where we are at.

My head feels like it is going to explode.

I won't let it feel this way ever agian.

 

Promise.

 

12 years old...

Twelve years old, more like three if you ask me...

I'm the captian of this ship, don't ever forget it.

Your imput is valued and welcomed and compromise is obviously a part of any relationship.

The fact is, I'm behind the wheel, not you.

All I'm bringing to the table?

You know you would do good to find half the man, with half the character, half the parent etc. that I am.

It speaks for itself.

A rich man don't have to prove he is rich.

Please, stop pissing me off, and start showing some more appreciation and respect.

It's the third time I have had to ask.

I shouldn't have to.

"I will call a woman. any woman, out on her bull shit", remember?

This is why guys my age don't get married, the bull shit to reward factor just don't jive anymore.

To much to loose. 

When you're younger that equation works in the womans benefit. Not so much as you get older.

Get used to it.

Who needs the bullshit?

 

Show me you're worth the trouble like I still believe you are and I'll be fine.

It's all I am asking.

Is that really to much to ask after all you have put me through?

 

Think about it.

Peace.

Push...

Push a man to his breaking point over and over and over, then sit there and cry about it when he stands up and tells you he's had enough.

That's some stupid shit Lucy.

Stop it please before it all falls apart, cause it's not what I want, and I don't think it's what you want either.

You've ...

 

You've been warned, you've been told, over and over and over but it's not getting through.

When I walk I'm gone and I don't ever come back, never, no chance, I've given you enough, why should I give you any more?

They all came back, not me. 

Mom, Nicholas Al, Janet, James, nobody will be able to change my mind.

It's my life. 

I left his mom.

I asure you, if I feel like it's the right thing to do, I will have bo problem leaveing this.

Show me you want me like I want you.

It's a simple request.

Like I said, it's about respect and being appreciated, if you aint gonna show it to me, then maybe you are not who I thought you were.

You're walking on dangerously thin ice. 

I hope I'm getting through.

It's not...

It's starting to not be fun anymore.

 

Real woman.

Real life.

Real home.

Real step-mom.

Real lifestyle.

 

Step up to it or go away.

I'd...

 

I'd take it to heart this time if I was you.

16 months...

 

16 months of stupid ass "rules girls" bull shit.

I've had my fill.

It's ignorant.

Those ladies ended up divorced.

Probably from acting just like this.

Seriously, it's nonsense.

Not telling me what I already know.

Maybe you should find some other sucker to fall for your stupid crap.

Let him break down your walls all over agian.

See how that works out for you.

Did you miss the part about I have had enough crap  to last me six or seven lifetimes?

I mean, am I going to have to remind you all the damn time?

I'm serious Lucy, I'm tired of the crap.

What ever happened to Adam Somed and all the sweet things she was saying?

Where did that go to?

This is why you 35-45 year old professional rules girls end up alone, watching lifetime, eating a tub of ice cream on the couch with your cat (dog in your case), wondering where your prince charming went.

You know where he went?

You ran him off.

Cause he got sick of your shit.

Thats where he went.

Sound like a good life for you?

Sound like what you want?

I aint bull shiting Lucy, you got me seriously reconsidering wether I want this or not anymore.

Was that your intent?

Cause that could very well end up being the result of your behavior.

For the last time, straighten up and fly right.

And give me a lil of what I want and am asking for.

It aint about the picture anymore.

It's about a lack of respect and appreciation.

I absolutely demand it.

If that's to much to ask from you?

Good ridance.

Go be somebody elses problem.

 

Be pissed.

I couldn't give a shit less at this point.

You've pushed to far.

Knew...

 

Knew I had heard it.

Not a big fan of the genre or the band, but I had friends that were.

 

 

I told...

I told Nich how many page views there were the other day after the internet came back up. "Yall are obsessed with each other." "You think?" "Yeah, I do." "Well then why not be obsessed about each other and be together?" Silence...

Yep...



Where...

 

Where is she at?

 

Still waiting.

 

Eat...

 

"Eat my lunch..."

 

You are out of your league, step it up GF.

You're...

 

You're bad...

Letting me talk to you like I do...

I love it...

You will too.

When it all goes down.

 

Love you.

I found...

 

I found his calculator.

It was under the seat in the truck.

Now to take the other one back to Wal-Mart sometime.

Exactly...

Relax.

Were going to do this and it's all going to be okay.

I know it is.

Promise.

Sweet Dreams Beautiful.

Love you.

She...

 

"She would be a fool to pass him by."

Well, she is no fool that I know for sure, so what is she doing?

SAP Downtime...

 

SAP Downtime starting...time getting ready to change...

 

Love you Lucy.

Just tired of bull shit, want you in our lives.

I know...

 

I know that was a big step for you yesterday for me. I appreciatee it. But this means I know you mean business, to do something for me I have specificaly asked for, not just out of the blue...Even though it was a shocker lol...Still really just can't believe it...

 

This is the game right, always stay a few steps behind where he wants you to be so you know he means it? Honey, how on earth could I still be here if I didn't mean it? I want you, everyday, all day, till the end of our days...anything less just aint gonna work.

Please a boy would ya?

Then...

 

Then give a boy lil somethin wat he wants when he ask, so he knows you mean it.

I'm offering you my world, my life, my heart, my home, my son, my family.

It's not much, but it's all I got.

I feel like it just doesn't matter to you at all sometimes.

I don't ...

 

I don't want extereme highs and lows.

Thats not healthy.

Consistancy over time, in the manner I have shown you, with the understanding that there are ups and downs in life, made easier to withstand cause you have your special one that was created for you.

That's what I want.

Can you give it to me?

To us?

Can you really?

Are you sure?

No drama and chaos and garbage?

Haven't you had enough of that?

Aren't you sick of it?

Don't you want better?

I think...

 

"She will gut you like a fish and leave the remains on the river bank. Not being mean. Just the way it is. She is still 12 and will drop one shiny object and pick up another without giving it a thought. It is a never ending search for her and a long line of disasters for those she meets along the way.

Icarus gets a bad rap for crashing and burning but I admire him. He dared to fly. He didn't listen to the naysayers. He had a dream and he followed it. I like to think he knew the risks because heroes who know the odds going in are much more interesting. You and Icarus have a lot in common.

You know the risks. You have the dream. Now you got to fly and get burnt, or just walk away.

Good luck and may you find peace and happiness."

 

I think it's bull shit.

But after yesterday, it really took the wind out of my sails.

It really did.

I just...

 

I just want you with us.

Thats why I am frustrated.

Wanna build a life together.

Wanna work on the house together.

Wanna plant that garden together.

Go to Nicholas band competitions together.

Have you with me at his graduation.

Introduce you to everybody.

Kiss you.

Hug you.

Yes, even get kinky with you.

And know there is a soft comforting soul awaiting me when I come home.

Someone who wants to enhance our lives, not bring chaos and drama and bull shit into them.

I can just see you painting the back bedroom with me and I'm looking at you while you have your back turned painting (theress that theme again lol) and I'm saying to myself...

"I just can't believe she is mine...I just can't believe she let me catch her. I just can't believe it". You will turn around and be like wats up Honey? I'll be off in space just not believing my life "nuthin', nuthin sweetie, every things fine...Let me help, you missed a spot." It's exactly how it will be, I already know...

 

I think that smile on your face yesterday says everything I need to know.

 

Love you.

 

Do you still fall deeper in love with me everyday?

I wonder sometimes, I really do.

Well

 

Well that was quick...

Why don't you respond to text like that?

Are you just sitting there hanging on every word?

Bahahahahaah

Seems like it sometimes.

I just can't...

 

I just can't do it. You have been through to much for me to be a hard ass with you. I try and I try and I try but theres just a huge soft spot in my heart Lucy...

It's where you live sweetheart, trying to be a hard ass to you just comes back and makes me suffer...

One soul, one heart, one love sweetie...

You got to understand a boys frustration.

You do don't ya?

Have a nice night...

Have a nice night...

 

I'll put it back up after the MWA Blue panty pic comes through...

 

I told you Im not fucking around.

Peace.

Do...

 

Do you just have a hard time accepting the fact that somebody accepts you? Just as you are? That you are designed just as perfect for them as they are for you? I want those lil adventures I've shared with you. How many women would have run away scared? Most. You didn't, you want those lil adventures as well, so come get them. I shared them with you just to see if you wanted me to stop, you didn't, if anything you were more intrigued than ever. These are things I have always wanted and it was just never "right" for whatever reason. Well now it is. We're perfect for each other, no need to wait any longer.

 

Come be my dirty lil christian pornstar biker chic.

It's exactly, what I always had in mind.

I am...

 

I am trusting you with my son when I am not at home.

How much more trust can I show you?

You know what his welfare means to me.

I've never done it with anyone outside of family for any extended period of time.

It should tell you something about what I think of you.

Eat my lunch...

 

"Eat my lunch"...Count your blessings you're welcome at my table...

 

Bahahahahahaha

Can

 

Can we get back to funny romantic more lighthearted even sexually charged stuff now please?

You gave me a good scare lol, I told you what would happen, were even.

Back to regularly scheduled programming bout our future together.

Well

 

"She is still 12 and will drop one shiny object and pick up another without giving it a thought."

 

Funny how she has held on to this one for so long already then isn't it?

 

She pulls this shit in our home?

Her shit is in the street and her along with it.

Seriously, she will come home and her shit will be boxed up and in the street and the locks changed on the doors.

It's happened before.

Now who has been told?

 

It's about trust, everthing all the time is about trust.

If you didn't trust me, you wouldn't have sent me what you did yesterday.

Like I don't know.

Woman please.

 

Peace.

It works...

It works the same for me as it does for you.

Knowing you're excited?

Makes me excited.

Even more so these days if that's even possible.

 

Don't mess around with the baby blues.

You'll piss me off.

What do I ever ask for?

I've come far enough.

I've fought long and hard enough.

Time to give me some of what I want for a change.

 

I'm worth it.

More than worth it.

So what if I know it.

Deal with it.

 

 Love you dingleberry.

 

We gonna have so much fun GF.

The best thing?

We got the rest of our lives to go.

We're just getting warmed up.

 

Times up...

Times up...no text...

My heart was in my throat....wheeew...catastrophe avoided. :-).

 

Think I don't know how good it makes you feel for you to see a man fight through his demons?

To fight through his obstacles?

To fight to have you in his life this bad?

To know you've found what you've always wanted and never thought you would have?

Think I don't know how excited that makes you?

Do you even know why it makes you excited Lucy?

It's all subconscious.

Cause in the deep recesses of your mind, you know If he (me) will prove he will stick around, if he will prove that he will fight for you this hard now, with no commitment, no legal agreement,

your mind knows, he will fight to keep you safe from any harm, emotional or physical that ever might come your way.

 

 That, knucklehead, is why your panties are wet.

His (Nich's) and your lives and safety, emotional and physical, come before mine.

Always.

It's how I was raised.

I would gladly die protecting either of you.

 

It's called

being a man.

There ain't many of us left.

Best to snatch him up while you can.

 

I'm on to your lil shenanigans these days.

That would have thrown me for a loop for a week or so in the past.

Now it lasted all of five minutes. lol

 

The price for your last lil episode?

The MWA baby blues we have been discussing.

 

I deserve it.

DON'T, let me down

You said you wouldn't.

I trust you're a woman of your word.

 

And don't forget "monogrammed and manicured" either, that shit better be happening.

or I promise you, I will walk away...

"You'll be like "But Andrew..."

I'll put on my clothes and I'll just say "You were told, you had long enough." and walk away.

Forever.

Try me.

I dare you.

 

I told you.

I don't fuck around.

You want intensity?

You want adventure?

(Sexual and otherwise)

You want passion?

You came to the right place.

 

Peace

 

One...

 

One minute left.

Two...

Two minutes left.

Three...

Three minutes left...

Don't...

Don't just sit there and 1+ shit.
This ain't funny no more.
Don't fuck with my son, it's not in your best interest.

I think it's another test.
Times getting close.
You want to see me fight through more obstacles.
You've talked to my mom, I know you have, and James, and Nicholas and who knows who else.
I can tell.
I'M NOT STUPID!
I hate that shit, think I can't tell or don't know?

This ain't funny, peoples lives are at stake.
You don't want it say so.
Tired of always having to prove myself to you.
I already have.
You some fucked up Borderline abused piece of shit?
Go screw up someone elses life, stay away from me and my son.
I won't have that shit in my life.

But I know your not.
Cause you would have said something long before now.
Your mom, your brother, the lady at the gas station in Albany.
Somebody, some relative, some friend, would have put an end to this way before now.
But you keep intensifying things.
Like you want to see just how far I'm willing to go.
I'll go the distance.
Till it starts adversely affecting my son.

"That's not like Vergie, she is not that cold hearted."
"She wants to trust, she wants to settle down."

If not me who?
If not now when?

It's like you just don't want to believe it.

Text me, one last time, tell me,
"Andrew, it ain't happening go away"
You, nobody else and I'll walk.
You got five minutes to decide.
Peace.

Seems...

 

Seems to me like she is the one that has been "gutted like a fish" in the past and she is just trying to protect herself from it happening agian...but what do I know?

She won't even talk to me.

 

One text Vergie saying this aint happening and I'll walk.

Much as I don't want to I will.

For my son.

He's been through enough.

 

Don't do this if you know in your heart you're just gonna pile on.

That description sounded just like all the others.

I'm sick to my stomache.

Borderlines...every last one of them.

 

Thought you were different.

If this is the same patteren all over agian.

You have to let me know so I can protect him.

We deserve that much.

Just text me.

Do the right thing.

The...

 

"It is a never ending search for her and a long line of disasters for those she meets along the way."

 

This ends here. This part of her life is over.

 

"You know the risks. You have the dream. Now you got to fly and get burnt, or just walk away."

 

I'll fly, cause there is no getting burnt, like I said. This ends here. This part of her life is over.

She can try and push me away all she wants, she already has, it aint happening...I've said all along, this ends happy for everyone, her, me, my son.

989...

 

989 pageviews yesterday...

But I am the cyber stalker?

Okay...

Who is foolin' who here?

Bahahahahahahaha

Rumi

 

I want that love that moved the mountains.
I want that love that split the ocean.
I want that love that made the winds tremble.
I want that love that roared like thunder.
I want that love that will raise the dead.
I want that love that lifts us to ecstasy.
I want that love that is the silence of eternity.

I want you sweetheart...

I already have...

 

Many times over...and I'm just gonna keep fallin', over and over and over for you.

 

 

Just came through...

 

:-)...Yep...I think so Lucy.

 

 

All day...

 

All day every day Dollbaby...Why would it ever be any different?

My heart is racing just thinking about you...

It feels like it is just about to explode...

Relax, not really, but more... you know...metaphorically.

 

Sounds like us...My fav animal btw...

 

All I want to do is...

 

"...It soars inside my soul because of you
All that innocence that you inspire

You know you are as heaven intended you
Open up that lovely flower

 

The love inside of your head
With the love inside my head
All that we need to make love happen

 

Love inside your head
Love inside of my head
All that we need to make this happen..."

I've seen...

Lucy...

Mark 5:34 Indeed...

Get some rest...

 

 

Go to bed...

 

I can see which post you are looking at in pretty much real time. Look at the screen shot. In the upper right hand corner "Now" is highlighted. Bottom left shows the post you are looking at. All about crossing a line when you started being naughty with me in Yahoo, being married etc...It's okay, I got this, just come along and help with the ride, but relax...get some sleep...ttul.

 

 

You're...

 

You're tired...

Go to bed.

Love you.

 

 

Always remember...

 

"It may be a "slight" anxiety disorder, but when it hits...

It might as well be Mt. Everest."

 

Yesterday...just sayin...

 

I didn't take any medicine :-).

 

Well, I had a glass of bourbon (One).

At least its all natural, no colors flavors or preservatives. lol.

No pharmaceuticals, none, that I am happy about.

How...

How do you "Play the player" when there aint no "player" to be played?

Splain that one Lucy...

 

You been playin yourself, makin things more difficult than they need be sweetheart.

Used to dealin' with boys, not full, grown ass men.

Used to bein played and gettin hurt, not loved.

It showed.

I could tell.

Those days are over, long gone.

In a lil while those memories will be so far gone it will seem like some dream that wasn't real I came and woke you up out of.

Promise.

Love you.

People...

 

People are already running from me. I told them about this and they wouldn't listen or they wouldn't believe and now they are seeing that I was on the money. It's understandable, it freaks people out. It freaked you out for goodness sakes! So many miserable, lonely, bitter people in the world, they hate their jobs, hate their spouses, hate their lives, they live in a constant state of where I was yesterday, just constantly frustrated and hate, hate, hate...They will never win or find happiness. They are jealous. I just can't do it. I might get caught in that trap every once in a while but I'm gonna tell ya, "God didn't put me here not to have a good time". Period. Purpose in life? Be happy, have joy, have contentment, make peace with yourself.

 

I knew in my gut and I trusted my intuition and I trusted the answers to my prayers...at times Virgie I swear it was like I could hear him saying in a loud fatherly pissed off voice to me when I wanted to give up "How dare you! This is not your choice! You will suck it up and you will go get what I have brought to you, now go!" I would get up, the tears would stop almost immedietly and I would be like "Well shit, there went that idea...alright then...lets see...where was I? What was my next plan of action?" It was literally like that. Espically after getting home from the trip to Cookville, the package coming back in the mail, and the night in the Motel Six room alone on the Baxter trip. On those occasions in particular and on plenty of others, he carried me, no way I or any other human could have made it through those events without his helping hands.

Of this I have no doubt, none...I'll tell any body that will listen.

 

People just don't wanna believe, it's a choice they are making.

 Shame on 'em.

Cause we're living proof.

And we got a story to tell people.

16...

 

16 months or how ever many it's been and you honestly think this could just be lust talking?

Really?

Come on now you know better.

It's not just you.

It's the life we can live together.

It's the lifestyle.

The bike.

The weekend getaways.

The garden.

The hammock. (I can't even get in it anymore, cause I want you there with me so bad)

The cooking.

The worship.

The house coming together.

The fires whenever we want.

Fishing.

Kayaks.

Camping

Everything.

The whole package.

Thats what this is about.

Thats why...It's not an accident...none of it ever was.

What a story we have to tell.

Every where we go people are going to want to know who you are.

They are used to seeing me.

When they see you with me, they will be like "...and who is this Andrew?"

I'll be like "tell 'em..."

"...two states...three trips...400 miles round trip each...1200+ miles all together...16+ months...10,000+ text...hundreds of blog post...shows up on my moms doorstep...tracked me like a bounty hunter...all I ever told him was leave me alone...I figured if he loves me that much...so now I'm his wife."

 

 

I'm...

 

I'm just not going to be satisfied till we're living in our house together, till I am coming home after a 90 mile drive in the AM and waking you up and helping you start your day. Till we are painting and rearranging rooms together.

 

Date night.

Once a week.

I don't care if we just go sit down by the river.

Once a week minimum, we get hours to ourselves.

I'm preping Nicholas for this right now.

Thank goodness he is like me to a large extent and doesn't mind the solitude.

 

I LOVE YOU!

I was...

 

I was pissed yesterday lol. In case you couldn't tell. Very aggravating day. Just wanted you there to lean on a lil. Felt like you should be, seeing how we feel the same about each other and all...

 

I really think when it finally happens, it's going to be a love like even I in my wildest dreams could not imagine.

 

But yesterday? I was ready to tell you to go find some other  abusive jerk to be with. I was that upset. But when I seen IM's in Yahoo when I got up? I knew you understood where I was coming from and wanted me to rest a lil easier.

But I was hot.

I don't like loosing my center. Reminds me of how I used to be a large part of the time.

I aint him no more, aint never gonna be no more either.

But this has went on a long time sweetheart...

And...

 

I got another question...Are you on some Red, Blond, Brunette rotation? Cause from my perspective it sure seems like it. It's your hair, so I really don't care, but I do like it long, it's very pretty, very feminine.

 

But I will never forget how it looked that day in the courtyard at Kindred. I was like "Oh my god if I could pick a voice and hair this would be it, this would be it!".

 

It was your soul and your good heart I fell in love with sweetie. Looks fade, but a good woman is a good woman and they are hard to find these days.

If I can do anything (It hasn't always been the case) I can recognize quality when I see it.

I was just never going to let you get away.

I just wasn't.

 

Love you.

Peace

If...

 

If you only knew what you do to me...you would have married me six months ago...

And

 

And how did they get so big? What are they "D" cups? Good lord girl. What did you do? Inject hormones into them?lol. Like I said, "Yea me! Fun Bags".

That ...

 

That was a pleasant surprise today Lucy...I want stuff like that

ALL THE TIME...Just out of the blue, be sitting at work or home...and be like DAMN!

 

Know what single professional women between the ages of 35 and 45 really want? Seems counter -intuitive, but they want to be told what to do. They really do, they want someone to make decisions for them or at least to help make decisions for them. They do it all, all on their own, working their careers, taking care of their homes, shopping, cooking cleaning etc...and it gets old for them. They want someone to plan dinners or nights out or weekend getaways or vacations or be told what sexual position to assume next, because over the course of time it gets taxing making all the decisions. They want someone to make them for them, or at least have suggestions. "Where do you wanna eat tomorrow when we go to town honey?" "Oh I don't care sweetie where ever you want to." The man says it just to keep the peace a lot of times, doesn't want to go out on limb, scared to piss lil miss career minded off. So what happens? You get pissed off! Not because of where to eat or not eat dinner, but because of the lack of forethought, lack of imagination, lack of planning and having an idea, or not wanting to try new places, new things and the  lack of leadership. Then the woman is left sitting there thinking "This is what I signed on for?" This is it? This is my dream? I was doing this good on my own". It's not natural, nor is it biblical. I ain't sayin' it's the 50's and stay at home and have kids and cook and clean, not at all. I'm just sayin when there is a strong man in the picture who can set the course of the relationships sails for the directions the ship needs to go in, it becomes easier for a woman to open up that totally feminine side of herself that she has repressed due to her career, living on her own, making all the decisions all the time. You may not want to hear it, but deep down, you know it's true.

 

Now think about me for a minute. I have to make all the decisions and plan not just for me but for a highly creative intelligent 14 year old boy as well. It gets old some days lol. It's taxing. It would be nice after a decade of doing so to get a break every once in a while. It would be nice to come home and know that things are taken care of and that he has been taken care of. Because right now I'm running around making sure he has everything he needs while I am gone. It makes it hard to relax sometimes. He's asking me about Nietzsche and Chinese agriculture economics, I'm like "Dude, I just wanna make sure we have paper plates and pancake syrup".lol

 

Real...

 

"real woman..."all woman over here babe"...blah blah blah...yap yap yap...all talk and no action Lucy. Show face and let me be the judge of how much of a real woman you are...Know how to please a real man that is not into playing head games?...Well let me tell ya, just in case you don't really know how? You're about to be taught...

Keep me...

 

Keep me hangin' just like always.

I've gotten used to it.

Can't photshop somethin' for a brotha just to amuse him?

Damn.

I'm never getting in webcam no matter what you do or say, so that aint gonna work. You really wanna test my resolve? After how resilient I have proven myself to be? Go ahead I guess but it aint gonna work. I aint like others. Old school. In person. Wedding night. Cause it works Lucy. And why you always come to me in Yahoo when you're bored? Like I'm only good enough for you when you got nothing else to do? I'm just some mouse for the pussy to play with? Come on now, I deserve better than that lol.

Maybe I should let out my frustration with you more often if you're gonna send me stuff like you just did?

Well...

 

I'm waiting...

Show me a pic...

 

Show me a pic when she says "Drews Honeypot" and I'll be impressed.

lol

I love...

 

I love your lips.

I can always tell wether it's you or not, by your lips.

The high school pics, other ones on POF, the one you just sent.

I just wanna be kissing them.

Like...all day...forever.

Why...

 

Why your hair always a different color lol?

Long as its long and soft for me to run my fingers through all I care about.

Your boobs...were not that big at Kindred lol.

Fun bags...Yea me!!

Oh...

 

Oh my...that pic with the tounge...

oh good lord...

Why you gotta torture a boy?

I've been a good boy, I played along a long time haven't I?

Time for you to let me be bad...with you...and only you...in the confines of marriage...till the end of days sweetheart...till the end of our days...

 

So...uh, yeah, back to that tounge. Milley looks stpid with all her crap...you look...ready for me :-). Come get what you want, if that's what you want so bad.

 

Bahahahahahaha

Tired...

Tired of it....

 

When?

 

 

Aint...

 

Aint no player here. Aint never been no 'player" here, couldn't ever do it....Players get played eventually and usually end up unhappy as everybody eventually figures out what they are all about. If I tried to be a "player" I'd be laughed at even more than I am already. I can't do it, I would come of as phony as hell and any and everyone could see right through it. Games over. It was over a long time ago. I don't 'play'. Period. I'm straight up who I am, if she don't want it all she has to do is say so one more time. It seems to be all she ever wants to say to me anyway lol. The real her, the one who has actaully text me anyway lol. I am as real and as authentic as they come, been this way for 30+ years, what you see is what you get, I see what I want, I go for it, fall on my face, so what, get up and keep going for what I know in my heart to be true. And when in the world do I have time to be a "player"? And where exactly would I do this playing? Cannelton? Tell City? Owensboro? Please, no thanks. Louisville? Ha, all sleep eat and work when I'm there. Her, or I'll be happy being the old crazy, christian, hippie, biker coot that nobody that didn't take the time to get to know ever knew what to make of him. I'm comfortable either way, I  would just much rather go through life with her than without her. I've done all I can to show her, I plan on keep on showing her, all of my days.

 

Because every second of everday since she left I have been wishing she was by my side. My actions match my words. She knows this. It's called integrity. Anybody can say anything in an electronic format. I back my shit up, always have, always will, she got the numbers, tell her to call them all agian and see what they have to say about me.  All I care about is having her as my wife and Nicholas being happy. People that are jealous or don't want to have anything to do with us? Fuck em, they can get over that shit, that's on them. I tell Nicholas all the time, people gonna do and say and think what they want to anyway, be yourself in spite of them, you'll live a much happier life.

 

I love her. I fell for her way early on. Just imagine sitting in a room and out of the blue everything you had been telling people you wanted just walks in and sits down by you. I literaly was like "Did that just really happen? For all of a few minutes, then I was like, fuck it, theres a reason she showed up, don't think to much, go for it, show her how badly you are attracted to her and how badly you want her in your life". Been following that mantra ever since, thinkin' it's just about to pay off...I hope and pray so anyway...

 

I'll keep my lunch warm for her and when she shows up I'll give it to her, just like I already have my heart mind body and soul...

 

Peace

Married...

 

Married by late fall...

 

Where ya at Lucy? Times a wastin'...

Maybe

 

Maybe we sould try that next year? lol.

Lil late...

 

Hahahahaha

 

 

From...

From my buddy David Lash (a prayer sent to him):

 

"Please be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance, and none can say why some fields blossom while others lay brown beneath the harvest sun. Take hope that your season will come. Share the joy of those whose season is at hand. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices in life no more easily made.

And give. Give in any way you can. Give in every way you can. Give whatever you possess. Give from your heart. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for the size of your harvest than for how it is shared, and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace."

 

Yep...
 

Hey...

 

Here at work...

Wishing you were home for me to come home to Monday AM.

Tired of not having you in my life.

Well, not the way I want us to be in each others lives anyway.

Tired. Just really really tired today.

I can...

I can do anything huh?

You aint got the guts...

Bahahahahahaha

Modem

Modem is working. lol.

After six phone calls and a couple hours on the phone ATT said they would ship a new one.

Came home from Oboro and the damn thing was working.

Going...

Going to go lay back down.

Didn't get much rest last two days.

Like I'm going to be able to sleep now.

Thanks lol.

When...

When you start like that in the AM...

Anything is fair game all day long.

I don't ever start it with you lol.

But when you do with me?

Yeah...now your gonna get an ear full all day.

MWA yeah right...anticipation for what?

The next lil five minute Yahoo session?

Please...

Morning...

Morning Beautiful...

Please quit toying with my heart...

Love you.