Of

all the things that give you away and lets me know this is happening, you know what gives you away the most?

 

Christian's behavior.

 

When I put the deck on the back of the house he actually said:

"Man, you're makin' me look bad."

Now what does me building a deck have to do with making him look bad?

It's his mindset.

My deck was for me, it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

Yet he thought somehow it was making him look bad.

"It will look like mine in a few years."

(ratty, rotten, falling apart, like I could give a shit about what somebodys deck looks like)

"No it won't."

"Yeah it will."

"Not as long as I am in that house it won't, I didn't spend what I spent to just sit back and watch it all fall apart."

 

Silence.

 

I had another friend Paul, he moved to Lexington six years ago or so.

I would go visit him from time to time.

Thought we would always stay in touch.

He was Brother Joey, our previous pastor's son.

After I started working at Kindred?

And posted pictures of the deck on FB?

He starts having nothing to do with me.

I'm like "Now ain't that something?

You would stop by any time night or day and I would cook you food, drink my best bourbon with you, smoke, even offer you smoke and now you're seeing me do well and you're starting to not have anything to do with me?"

I just couldn't get over it.

Mom never liked him, I thought she was wrong about him but it turns out she was right.

Mom's been right about a lot of things lol.

 

When I made the decision to go out on a limb and pursue you at almost any cost I read a lot about following your dreams and what you could expect.

Cause I wanted to know.

It was all right on the money.

People simply do not wish for you to succeed.

For a variety of reasons.

Mostly because they never had the courage to follow their dreams and go out on a limb so they don't want you to be successful in your endeavours as it makes them feel like you have done something they couldn't or have willfully chosen not to do.

Thing is?

Anytime they want they could decide the same.

 

I don't post too many pictures FB or Google plus anymore.

I'll show personaly or just share with you.

Got the feeling people thought I was being a show off.

I wasn't trying to show off.

I was however, trying to show people if you have a passion for something and you go after it good things will happen for you.

Not how people were seeing it.

People want to be where they are.

It's comfortable for them.

It's just easier just to let them be.

 

Daring to chase dreams just doesn't come to many people perhaps.

Fuck, I don't know.

I just know I wasn't happy with who I had become so I decided that I was going to be somebody else.

I just didn't know that somebody else happened to be the me that was trapped inside my body for the last 40 some odd years lol.

 

Anyway, Christian rarely calls or comes around any more.

Most of the communication is all one way these days.

I understand he has kids.

They are in bed when he gets home from work.

He is five minutes down the road.

All he would have to do is text me when he got off work and I would come visit just like when he was in the trailer behind us.

I have no idea whats up with his house, figure he would tell me if he wanted me to know.

Anyway, he doesn't bother any more.

It says a lot.

They give you away by trying not to give you away lol.

He knows I am moving on.

Apparently I am not the only one who wants to be around "like-minded people."

He wants to be as well.

The problem is, our planes, as in a metaphoric virtual geometric shape, just do not intersect anymore.

Pretty sure I know why.

He never thought this day would come.

 

If you have a dream and you are going to follow it through to fruition, you have to be able to leave all the nay-sayers behind, all of them, life-long friends, family etc, don't matter, if they are not supporting you and your vision you gotta be able to just let go of them.

I read all that.

But now these days I am seeing it play out right in front of my eyes.

It's odd, that's all Lucy.

 

I love Christian.

I pray for him and all his family everyday.

Three or four times a day.

I don't know what else to do.

I was so glad to see him in church.

I will miss JR, he is a riot.

Christian will be a good dad.

At the end of the day if all anybody can say good about you is you were a good dad to your children?

Well isn't that enough?

 

I understand Fawn not coming around.

They haven't much since they moved, it's 25 minutes away, it's just as easy for her to go to Owensboro as Tell City.

Gives me a reason to ride :-).

Plus they have been busy with their house.

When she said "I just want you to be happy, love you"

I knew right then and there she knew what was going on and that I couldn't stay where I was and be content with it much longer.

 

My point is, to have a dream and to work to see it come true takes a single-minded focus that most people just don't get.

You get it, I get it, it's why I honestly believe we are one soul in two bodies.

 

There is this lady, plays Organ at church, she is good friends with Alan.

The last time at church when we made direct eye contact?

She turned and just looked and walked away.

I'm like that's christian?

At church even?

No it's not.

I told mom about it, she agreed, it's not Christian, not in the least.

 

I told mom I had defriended several people from church.

"They never like any of my post, we are at opposite ends of the political spectrum, they won't even ever know with all their 800+ friends And the thing is? I wasn't the one who ever sent any of them the FB friend request!"

Mom was like, "They just wanna see how many they can get, it's all "look at me look at how many friends I have on FB".

I told her she was absolutely right.

She said this stuck up organ player had been going to the financial peace classes at church and had mentioned they were so in debt and had so many bills.

I didn't say anything to mom but after she mentioned that? In the back of my head I thought, "She is friends with Alan, she's never been that friendly but that was just flat out rude and right in church as well, I bet Alan has mentioned something to her."

Maybe not but It would explain alot.

On the way to Nashville with David I said "You know what? I just can not stand so and so"

This was before her being rude at church.

His exact words to me were "What makes that bitch think she is so much better than everyone else?"

I was shocked.

Couldn't believe it.

 

Anyway, I always had this kind of suspicion that Christian always wanted me to be on par with him, struggle with jobs, career, finding a good woman etc.

Now that he sees it ain't gonna play out like that?

He is acting just like Paul did.

 

I'll be friends with any of them.

All they gotta do is be friendly with me.

Think they will do that?

Or do you think they will be jealous haters?

I would love to have Christian come down and go fishing, go kayaking, canoeing, cook out whatever.

I know he will never do it.

He wants to stay stuck where he is.

If the situation was reversed?

I couldn't be happier for anyone ever.

 

Fuck a bunch of haters Lucy.

These people (not Christian but lots of church people) have never bothered to take the time to get to know me and now that blessings are coming our way?

They're jealous.

It's obvious.

They can't wrap their lil pea-sized noggin around "Why is he being blessed?"

 

Cause I listen.

Cause I do what I am told regardless of the odds.

Cause I get back up every time I have ever been knocked down, most times with greater grit and determination than I ever had before.

 

Mostly?

Because I pray for 40+ people a day, everyday, most days multiple times a day and I ask that their needs be met.

 

Not mine.

Mine always have been.

 

Take care of theirs.

They are the ones that need it.

Not me.

 

(That is the last time I will ever mention that)

 

Matthew 6:6

Faith is not meant to be a spectacle.

That is why the perverted Christian hippie biker who loves high quality bourbon and good smoke in moderation (mostly lol)has been, and is, being rewarded.

People just don't and won't understand.

All they ever had to do was ask.

 

Quote from one of the speakers on the Walk to Emaus:

 

"Lots of pretenders and posers in the pews on Sundays"

I remember sitting there thinking "lord ain't that the truth!"

 

I'll be glad to be done with 'em.

Anybody who thinks they are better than somebody else?

Well just who the fuck do you think you are?

What do you think gives you the right?

I'll tell you what, my creator says otherwise.

Full of yourselves because of your last name,

or having "lived in the county my whole life"

Like anybody gives a fuck about a bunch of hicks in a rural Western KY county.

or where your husband or spouse works.

If that defines you?

You're screwed.

 

Know what?

Who gives a fuck?

You know who?

 

Nobody.

 

That's exactly who.

 

Nobody but them.

Because if they really were somebody?

They would know better than to act like they do.

 

I said a mouthfull lol.

You wonder where Nicholas gets it?

 

We are ready to roll.

Say the word Dollbaby, I'll leave right now.

 

Promise.

 

I can tell Alan sees something special happening.

I know he has strong faith.

I'll go with that.

 

Mom even said "I am so tired of people not speaking to me."

I said "Me too, my deal has always been as long as I get something out of the message I'll keep going."

She knows I mean it cause when we had preachers that couldn't preach?

I didn't go much.

Usually only to see Alan.

 

Peace.

Love you.