Proverbs 31:30
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
The
service engine light came on in the truck on the way to Janets this AM.
Took it back to shop, they ran diags.
It's running lean, not getting enough fuel.
Could be a hole in the vacum line.
More than likely?
A clogged air filter.
I don't think the fuel line was ever purged when I had problems with the gas tank two winters ago.
We will see.
Next time it needs an oil change, (which may be a while with the weather turning and us having Nicholas Buick these days) I'll have the fuel filter replaced and we will go from there.
Tooth is going to start giving me fits here before too much longer.
Of course it would lol, why wouldn't it lol?
And tomorrow we order class rings for Nicholas.
Welcome to my world lol.
Sure you wanna join :-).
It will be alright.
It's always alright.
One way or another, it's always alright :-).
Love you.
Monday, March 30, 2015
The
next big adventure.
Cause if I don't do stuff like this from time to time?
I will loose my mind.
That is not an exaggeration.
Started off just wanting to go over to Shawnee national Forest in Ill and check out the "Garden of the Gods".
Been there once a good while back, pretty cool.
Then I started lining it out on the map and there's Metropolis, Ill. right there.
Okay, check.
Then there was Parkers Drive in over in Paducha I've been wanting to stop by for a while now.
Not so sure about Parkers making the cut, there are tons of good BarBQ joints along the way.
Then the route home would be some KY back roads I haven't been on so that would be cool as well.
To bad somebody won't be coming along for all the fun.
Bahahahahahahahaha.
Got
to sit on the porch a good lil bit last PM.
Always liked that on Sunday nights the best.
Crickets, tadpoles, owls, birds.
Just quiet.
Hardly any trucks on highway 60.
You know, peace of mind and all :-).
Mom
says if I hit a snag paying the truck engine off she can go to work.
I just said, "Yeah, okay lol."
I do
"...I hate doing that.
I really do.
I feel like a brat..."
I really do hate doing that.
The thing is?
I've done without peace of mind for long stretches of my life and I am determined not to, ever again.
Thats what needs to be understood here.
Ready
when you are.
Have been.
Since the third time...:-).
Fawn is calling and making a point to stop by more often these days ;-).
Told several people about getting the truck back and how much it cost and everybody just looks at me like, "So".
I'm like okay then, nobody else is worried about it, apparently I shouldn't be either :-).
Makes
sense.
"Appreciate those who love you.
Help those who need you.
Forgive those who hurt you.
Forget those who leave you."
Anyway
I told you a long time ago, lots of practical joker types just don't know when to stop.
Seems like they always need to get in one more dig so to speak.
Hopefully?
Not anymore.
I'll play.
I'll play for a long time.
But when I say enough is enough?
That means no more.
K?
Good :-).
Now where were we?
Oh yeah, ass cheeks.
Bahahahahahahahaha
"These Moments"
there are moments
that'll last forever
etched into our memories
written on our souls
there are times
that sweep us off our feet
spin us twirl us toss us all about
touch our heart and change it
these moments
they are magical
they change the way we see
they transform how we feel
they crawl inside us
and look out through our eyes
and see the world in a new
and wondrous way
yes, there are moments
that once they happen
we will never be the same
by Michael Traveler
Sunday, March 29, 2015
I
don't know if you watched the UK game or not but it was crazy. Really thought they were going to get beat. Honestly? Norte Dame had a better team fundamentally. UK's talent and will just overcame it.
So now?
LETS GO CARDS!
Saturday, March 28, 2015
I
think...
I've made my point.
I hate doing that.
I really do.
I feel like a brat.
But it's the only way I know to get your attention.
I will not be without my peace of mind much longer.
If you're not gonna do something about it?
Then rest assured I will.
Love you Bambi.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
I'm
lost.
Yall got me so befuddled I don't know whats what anymore.
Getting pretty sick of that shit as well.
If we are not with you, in Lebanon TN, by the time school starts this fall?
It won't happen.
Ever.
Thats my line in the sand.
True love grows cold sometimes.
You're not nurturing it.
You've been given more than enough chances.
Fuck this noise.
Always playing with a mans heart.
I'm
just gonna tell him to get whatever he wants.
It's just not worth the fucking fight to me anymore.
Problem solved.
Where were we?
Oh yeah, ass cheeks lol.
I get
it.
I really do.
Trying to start a tradition, be like grandpa Chuck's etc.
But this not wanting to work for the things we want and bailing when things aren't going your way just don't bode well for him later on in life.
It just makes my stomach crawl.
Acts like a spoiled lil rich kid.
I hated those punks when I was in school.
Seriously
nothing I say seems to matter any more, everyone is just doing as they please since they seem to think that they know best, so please, just continue.
It might be different if we were together already and talking and making decisions but this shit just drives me insane.
This and getting lectured to about how my expectations of him getting "A's" and "B's" is to much to expect from him.
Freaking Bum Fuck Rural KY High School and "A's" and "B's" are to much to expect.
It's not like he is in band.
It's not like he is working.
Give me a break.
Getting lectured by a sixteen year old.
Shit about to come to a screeching halt here in a minute.
He actually said "My life sucks" the other day.
I told him it only gets worse, get used to it :-).
I promise you I did.
I told him most people don't like their lives.
That the people that did we're the exception, not the rule.
Not like he is sitting in the burn unit.
Not like he has mouths to feed, bills to pay, and a boss to worry about.
Had enough of this horse shit.
I told him he has about 26 months to figure his shit out and after that there wouldn't be any dad, or granny, or grandpa.
He would just have to figure it out.
I also told him I have every confidence in him that when the time came he would be able to.
I could imagine the home I lived in if I quit a job and then wanted a gold high school ring the next week.
It wouldn't have fucking happened.
I got the cheapest High school ring I could cause I didn't care about it.
Not a thing on it is traditional.
Not one thing.
It wasn't the one I wanted.
I wanted my dads.
I never even wore my high school ring after my Senior year.
Ever.
Yall keep this up and you're gonna fuck it all up.
Nobody is thinking or running things by me first and that shit just is not going to fly.
If that makes me the dickhead?
So be it.
Trust me, I'm used to being the bad guys that always says "no".
Janet never did.
Mom rarely did.
Always me, my job to put my foot down.
Well?
I've gotten used to it Lucy.
I've done all I could with the boy for as long as I could and it's never enough, it's never appreciated.
Thats what I am sick of most, whether it's work, him, you, whatever.
I just never feel like I am appreciated.
Notice I am not saying that I am not.
I'm saying I don't feel like I am.
Big difference.
I just don't.
And I am sick of it.
From all fronts.
Nichs
talking to me about ordering class rings?
If we're doing this for another two years it would be nice to know.
This is the shit that sends me over the edge.
The always not knowing, thinking it's around the corner and then the bottom falls out of my stomach.
I can't fucking take it.
Wake up lol.
"Music takes me through some celestial clearances. When you out there, Rasta, it nice... carry you to other dimensions that many people don’t understand.”
RNM
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Or
by walking in my NOC with no makeup on, hair up in a ponytail, and nail polish worn off of your toes :-).
I
emailed this to Nicholas.
I told him it was the truth.
He can get mad.
Really don't care.
It was posted by a woman from church.
I'm sure it was intended for her son.
He is in his mid twenty's.
I know plenty of others like this in their mid thirties.
I can't make him not be like this.
I get that.
But I will do everything in my power so that he and others around me know, I will not put up with it.
I just won't.
T minus
one week...
blah blah blah...
Somebody's packing...
blah blah blah...
Somebody's heading to KY...
blah blah blah...
Whatever...
Bahahahahahahahaha
RUMI
In the sea of love, I melt like salt, Faith, Doubt - they both dissolve.
A star is opening in my heart, The worlds turn in it.
I
just wanna scream it at people sometimes.
But they probably wouldn't believe me any way.
Also I would be calling attention to myself.
So why bother?
Big man knows.
I know.
Good enough.
"Always blessed, never lucky"
Thats what I say.
Thats what we say in my home.
Just
got back from visiting with Christian and his family.
Now I gotta reboot the Koronos landscape again.
They could have had us do it Sat or Sun.
Or had the other shift do it Mon or Teus, but no, I get to do it tonight :-).
Happy happy joy joy lol.
Hospital visit was heartbreaking, just heartbreaking:-(.
Love you Virgie.
Headin out
Had to get some things to give to Christian when I get up there.
Do that either today or in the AM when I get off or tomorrow afternoon.
Love you,
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Just
kind of a gloomy day over here.
I baked pork chops and we had mashed potatoes and corn and biscuits.
Drove to Wal-Mart and got a few things.
Nich drove.
Went through the drive-thru at Sonic lol.
Two route 44 ocean waters :-).
And a route 44 cup full of ice.
Sonic has great ice,
These tiny lil round pellets.
Sweet.
Guess wats thats for?
Ocean waters and the cherry lime-aids about all I like from Sonic.
I asked him "This your first time driving through a drive-thru?"
"Yeah, and I'm terrified." he says lol.
The car in front of us got a foot long chilli dog.
I swear when they gave it to him he belted out "Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo".
I swear he did.
We cracked up.
He was loud as shit.
We had a good laugh.
Needed it.
Love ya Bambi.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015
I'm
serious.
I'll never forgive him.
If that means everybody else gotta kiss his ass or whatever?
Then by all means do what you have to do.
But I won't.
And you won't have the time.
Not his day.
No scene.
Not this time.
I've sacrificed for him for sixteen years.
He can't give me a day?
One day?
With family and friends to celebrate?
It is my greatest fear.
Acquiesce son.
It's in your best interest.
Promise.
It's a big change for me as well you know?
But being a dad you get used to having your wishes, concerns etc put on the back burner.
Everybody else comes first.
Comes with the territory.
I'll miss our home.
Not house, home, big difference.
But it's time to make a new one.
I'll miss granny and grandpa.
I'll miss my friends.
But it's time to move on.
And there isn't any stopping it now.
Nich
quit his job at the lil Pizza place in the park right behind us.
Said he couldn't handle working and his AP classes.
Said he was having panic attacks.
I think there is something else going on but you know, I've only lived with the boy 16 years, 13 of them just me and him, so what in the world do I know?
He said granny and grandpa agreed that I was pushing him to hard.
I disagree, but there is no point in arguing about it, whats done is done.
I didn't suggest that he apply there, that was his idea.
I didn't pressure him to go get an application, I took him when he was ready.
I didn't harass him to fill it out, he did that on his own.
I didn't pressure him to go turn it in, we did that when he suggested we do it.
But I put to much pressure on him.
Okay, sure.
To be honest?
I'm proud of the way he got that job on his own.
I really am.
I told you as much.
Life aint about him.
The world aint gonna give a shit about whatever issues any of us might have.
The sooner he figures that out the better.
He has had a better life than most his age and will have opportunities in his future most kids couldn't dream of.
But you know, I'm the bad guy.
For making him move away from granny and grandpa I suppose.
I so sick of this shit.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, being his dad is a part of my life, not the entirety of it.
I had my life before him and I will have one after he has left the nest.
I will not have a Phil Berryman living in my/our home, mooching off of us, playing video games, "suckin on momas tit" as Tony says, when he is 35 years old.
I just won't have it.
I will throw his shit out in the street and wish him well if it comes to it.
Trust me I will.
Seems like my own son is bitter and jealous of me.
Don't know what to tell ya kid, make your own way in the world somehow when the time comes.
I've been a single parent for 13 years, that's like being a normal parent for 26.
I'm tired.
Exhausted.
Spent.
In every way imaginable.
I can not fight with the imbeciles at work, him, Janet, granny and grandpa.
It's pointless.
No need to bother trying.
They win.
I give.
Cause you know, he is their son.
I will not have some mopey "Oh woe is me" mother fucker around us bring us down.
Just won't.
Our life ain't gonna be like that.
Feeling sorry for yourself is the worst thing you can do.
Just compounds the misery.
He needs to man up.
Big time.
It's in his best interest to do so.
He needs to get his license asap.
He needs to become a good driver, asap.
When he feels ready?
He can go see granny and grandpa anytime he wants.
I'll be damned if he is going to make this all about him and what he is going through.
Sorry son, the rest of my life trumps two more years of just us being together.
Besides, what seems like it is about to transpire is in all of our best interest.
Sorry you're 16 and don't quite understand that.
It's not your decision.
I was moved away from my family and friends and dad when I was in seventh grade.
Did I mope?
Did I whine and cry and fuss?
Did I have to go to counseling?
I'm telling you I know him like the back of my hand and that aint got nothing to do with it.
It's all about making a stink and having all the attention focused on him.
This is not the time or place for all that.
Not this time.
Not now.
This is our time.
To some extent his too but mostly ours.
He needs to man up and acquiesce to the situation he finds himself in.
That's a good word for him to look up.
Acquiesce.
He needs to learn it.
Live it.
Accept it.
Cause I am doing whats best for all of us in the long run whether he knows it or accepts it or not.
All he bitched about for two solid years was wanting out of Hancock County.
Well here ya go big guy you finally got what you wanted.
Careful what you wish for they say.
I don't and won't ever feel sorry for him.
It just feeds a culture of dependence.
It's counterproductive.
In the past he has thrown lil hissy fits for no other reason than to just upset me, Christmas, birthday any kind of special occasions, etc.
Mom knows what I am saying is true.
If he makes a scene?
If he does anything to make this day about him?
Instead of us?
I'll never forgive him.
Let me repeat that.
I'll never forgive him.
Ever.
I'm not one to harbor grudges.
This is different.
Anyone and everyone who ever reads this should know.
I will resent him for it and I will take it with me to my grave.
I hope everybody understands.
You would think a son would want his dad to be happy beyond his wildest dreams.
I've said my piece.
Time for daddy to be happy.
Love you.
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Saturday, March 21, 2015
Okay,
you own me lol.
Blah, blah, blah lol.
Sick of that yet?
Blah, blah, blah lol.
Question is, what are ya gonna do wit me?
Bahahahahahahaha
t-1 week huh?
Sept 6th.
Christmas
I'm ready for it, I can handle it.
All woman over here babe.
Blah blah blah...
Etc...
etc...
etc...
Love you.
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